trust – Esoteric Realms

January 3, 2022January 3, 2022

One too many, Not enough.

I don’t know about you, but I give one too many chances. One too many benefits of the doubt. One too many I’ll see how this plays out, maybe they’ll get it. I let people away with too much, simply because I feel like I need them and myself to understand that I know what it’s like to make mistakes and never get a chance to prove myself. I project my own mistreatment onto others, believing they’ll see I’m not a monster like all these other people were to me. Instead, I just end up mistreated, walked over and empty as usual.

I wish I could understand how people feel the need to really work others over, believe they are fitting of forgiveness and continue with their worsening behaviours without taking any responsibility for them. The repercussion is I get tired of this treatment, finally, apply a boundary to behaviour and get absolutely crucified for doing so. I don’t understand how me finally respecting myself, in the end, makes me the villain, but here we are.

I realised, trying to avoid ever being like my own villain, I allowed people to disrespect my space and energy. When I take it all back, so much wrong has happened, but they do not care. I feel a lot of injustice, and it used to hurt me a lot. Not any more though, I see how important boundaries are and just cutting toxic people out of my life is. If all they can do is cause problems and drama and then try and pin it on another person, they have serious issues. Issues with respect, accountability and change. I used to give people the exception, but not anymore. Their behaviour is theirs, they need to own it and not project that onto anyone else. People have their own shit going on, and I certainly don’t need to be brought into a situation where these people start putting their bad karma and energy onto me.

I never truly understood what a boundary was, but it’s certainly not something that is negative. I was too afraid to believe it was protecting me but hurting others in some skewed view. I was so afraid of losing others and coming across as cold-hearted or selfish. It turns out I was very wrong. These boundaries saved me. They kept people out that deserve to stay out of my energy and only the truly honest, kind and understanding into my sacred world.

Never again will I give too many chances to see if what I’m seeing is true. I will let sleeping dogs lie and never again try too hard to believe people aren’t as they seem. If people show you their true colours, and they only get worse, believe them. No longer will I try and create any value or goodness from another person who has no intention to take responsibility for their behaviour or their attitude that is inherently negative to everyone and everything.

What led me to this revelation and clarity of seeing why boundaries are an important part of life, was in my darkest times I had people always ask me for help and more recently created a friendship with someone who I thought I could be close with and possibly trust to just understand. They spoke as if they understood, we went through a lot of similar experiences or experienced the same trauma response from multiple happenings in our life. I was going through my own hell, I could feel the soul in me going cold and tearing at all ends slowly as I came undone.

Still, I showed up for them and tried to be as understanding and help them feel loved, cared for, understood even when they had their worse days. Yet, my worse day occurred, not even in my control. The inevitable happened after seeking help year long and even prior, but nothing was as severe as 2021. I became discarded, I was no longer useful because I became my own advocate for my own health, meaning I no longer had time or energy for anyone else, especially anyone who expected me to be there for them and set my own struggles aside. Never again will I enter into an environment where there is just that much history and problematic behaviour. They say people tell you everything you need to know about themselves and at that moment, I accepted it. All of it. All the ugly truth of who they are, and the extent of the selfishness of others.

Never again will I engage with people who are unable to see their faults or own them, but need to pin them on others to feel some kind of retribution for the damage and chaos they cause. Their carelessness and lack of understanding are atrocious. They should be held accountable, but I guess in some karmic way they are. They live a lie of a life that involves bringing others into their mess and then throwing them away when they are no longer of use. I’m just waiting for the false apology and excess phone calls when they have no one else to listen to them after a while. They continue a cycle of falsehood and true loneliness. As far as my ability to accept any apology, it’s too late, I’m gone.

I realise people show us who they truly are, and that I just need to believe them. Not try and find hope that they could be saved or changed in some way. No matter how many times I’ve helped these people, they never took it on board. Short of me making all the effort for their living, they had no desire or need to change. So I learnt to let go and separate myself from others who do not wish to grow, change, learn or ascend. That’s okay though if it’s not for you, you’re better off without it, and you truly don’t need it.

No more do I waste my time, energy or resources on people who will never choose to do better or better. I’m just focusing on protecting my energy and focusing on me and my own betterment for my life. That was always been my goal, but it constantly got put on the back burner trying to be there for others, based on the knowledge of knowing what it’s like not having anyone when I really needed them. I realised I cannot view these people as me because they’re not. I actively choose to make decisions and choices that are right and will not stay in the places that broke me or hold me back.

All I can say is, I waited until it was too late, I cannot get my time or energy back, but in a way, I don’t care. What bothers me most is that when I needed a true friend as I was to them, they disappeared. I see now why I will never waste my time anymore on anyone like this because they will just turn around with no remorse and use you as a scapegoat for their behaviour. Lesson learned. Better late than never, right?

From me to myself and me to you dear reader: I hope you find a true friend, I hope you love your boundaries, I hope you are loved, supported and most importantly understood especially when the bad days come. That they don’t just walk out on you, and they most certainly don’t use you.

Image sourced from Google. No copyright intended.

December 31, 2021

It all starts with Adam

Ninety percent of the time when I have a problem and seek help, I get met with the most apathetic response. It’s either my responsibility for the trouble in my life, my fault or that’s just how it is for me as a woman and to just deal with it. The real kicker is this is the response I’ve received from other older women. Women who were perceived as kind, helpful, spiritual. Someone who would listen without judgement and give advice that would help you flourish.

This gets enraging and emotional, feeling things from frustration and pain, to wanting to change their own thinking, but I can’t change someone who chooses self over others. So I really delve deeper into thought and I begin to release things like pieces of the puzzle coming together because I’m not giving others the benefit of the doubt to be perfect. What we all need someone, to take responsibility for their actions, listen to how they hurt us and work together to heal. Ideally and simplicity at its best, but this isn’t everyone’s thought when their own ego has a bigger role to play.

I guess in the beginning, if we need to begin somewhere solid, disappointment flourished. Imagine being the first human, spending a lot of time learning, adapting, overcoming. Finally, your loneliness is noticed and boom, your lover is in your life. How do you mess this up? Yeah, you never had human interaction like this before, but you know they are a part of you, and they are your responsibility. You get to protect, provide and love them, but instead you forget the loneliness and take advantage of them. They are offered something more, and you stand by, even participate.

You get caught out and blame them. Weak. This is the point I want to make, in every one of my “relationships” people I was getting to know, I got thrown under the bus. I was forced to live under a rock and when my wings were beginning to spread they were broken. So innocent was my pleading falling on deaf ears and blackened hearts. The thing is these people boasted about how good they were, capable of taking care of me, what they had to offer. It was all a lie. I was either a filler of their life to keep boredom away or to be seen as someone who actually have someone in their life, someone like me. Pathetic really.

I don’t like anyone who uses someone as a badge in their life, like a statement of their achievements. If you’re not going to actually love someone with action and not your incessant talking, don’t expect respect. Your words are like an avalanche, you just don’t shut up. You talk and talk and talk about how great you are and how successful you are and how everyone respects you but if you were to ask the person in their life behind the closed doors and not in everyone’s sight, see how different their reality is, actually the reality of that boastful person.

I guess what’s been plaguing my mind is the same verse found in the bible, going around and around.

Ephesians 5:25 “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her.”

So, what does it mean to love your spouse? This:

1 Corinthians 13:4-5: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

Ephesians 4:2: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”

1 Peter 4:8: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

1 Peter 3:7: “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.”

There are all sorts of every kind of person on this Earth, some compatible, some not so much. Don’t bring someone into your life if you’re not ready to live like this, to actually give every day in small ways and once in a while in bigger gestures. A person isn’t an object that you bring into your life for company. They are not your slave to be the only person giving every day in every way of themselves until they have no soul left in their body. Think twice before you commit to love and thrive before you awaken it.

If they’re not going to love you as you deserve, walk away. Life is too short to give of your self in wholesome love and to be met with adversity, apathy and indifference.

https://open.spotify.com/track/2bjZnUqsteuIhrqCT7Ai1O?si=CU5q44_oT0KlzE4ShIjZ2w

December 26, 2021June 17, 2024

Soul Talk – TW Mental Health

Find yourself someone who listens between the lines of your truth and their interpretation. Who can really crack the code of your hesitation before a “yes” and the longer than necessary pause before you speak “ok”. They’ll understand the meaning behind it and what you are truly saying, even when you don’t.

Find someone who really hears you, not just listens or says they did. They respond with understanding and know when not to but to give you the gift of silent reassurance. They show you with their full heart and soul that you are that you are being heard, that your emotions are valid, and you are in a safe place. They understand what you are trying to say behind the frustration and noise of conversation and words held for too long swimming around in your mind.

Always bring home the truth by sharing yours with someone who values your spoken life. Words are not just life, they are from the life within us spilling out. So if they know you, you’ll know they’ve been truly communicating with your soul. They truly know you because they truly listen and honestly care about what is going on inside. They never take it personally, they never project their own fears or insecurities onto you, when you open your soul to them.

People say it’s okay to not be okay, but what’s not okay is the conversations that don’t happen after major events for individuals. The people who have had a continual struggle yet show up every day for everyone else. When they finally do break from the hidden weight of pain and trauma. The words that fall on death ears, or arguments that arise due to the inability to grasp how this could be. Find your tribe who love and support you through it all. We all fight battles, it doesn’t mean we’re not trying when we struggle some days more than others or we seem just fine. Just be kind. It’s not that hard. It’s the people who struggle the most that give the most in the end and don’t receive the help they need because they were deemed strong enough. There can only be so much reserve for finding strength, so just be present, listen and don’t judge.

August 20, 2019December 27, 2021

The Right Time

Relationships are a great construction of two people giving of themselves wholly. As time has passed there have been many lessons we’ve all learnt from each other, some good some bad, some not so great. In saying this, there have been many lessons we take from examples of those around us in our family, friends, movies and maybe even inspired through and from movies. We are constantly looking all around us seeing these relationships take form and exist like the air we breathe. It has great power to be seen, great power to bring those great men to tenderness and timid women to great strength. We find ourselves in each other, in every situation, we transform and grow.

There are many examples where we are young and we can choose each other and love for the rest of our days, there are loves were taken or lost, loves that are shattered and loves that are yet to be. Funny how we can feel those words without even having to think twice. Love being the bond between two individuals making them one, we learn to accept parts and correct others. We can break or make ourselves and others in the environment we create. With words lost and actions, we can never return we break and destroy, with words and actions thoughtfully planned we can control and with thoughts and actions inspired we can ignite a flame that may never stop growing if we keep trusting that feeling that grows ever more with positive acknowledgment from our beloved.

We are all so tender and fragile, entering into a commitment we may not fully understand but our best intentions are our best card at dealing with whatever may come next. We decide we are going to do this together, the other persons suffering and needs are greater than our own. We don’t decide it we just feel it and go with it because if we don’t then we suffer too. We are incredible creatures to know ourselves in every secret place, we know our truest emotions and the things we love or despise. As time goes on we know our truest self, what we will accept in any of our relationships, we now set a standard because we have learnt or grown through fire, what we know we are worthy of receiving, what standard of love we desire to receive and no longer settle for those that are not worthy of our time or energy. We learn to accept we are so worthy of receiving because all we do is give, day or night at the drop of a hat there would be nothing we wouldn’t do to battle for our loved one. We learn so we want someone to reciprocate this action to us, no more empty words, promises, time being wasted, we are ready for the whole package. We accept nothing less now.

Love is a grand thing but it is not alive unless we give it life. We are the holders of life to create what we will. We cannot wait around praying and hoping, life is what happens when we decide on the action then live it out. That is living, that is life, that is love. Every day giving to each other, thinking of one another, being thoughtful, considerate, protecting, sacrificing. Someone else’s needs are your priority, through the thick and thin of it. Love is not you thinking you are a good person, it is you doing what is right every day, every night, every moment you can. They will always be your priority, your number one and if work, friends or other activities take that place, no one can receive the love they deserve from you if they give you priority in their life and vice versa. You learn that in time, you can do better, be better and accept nothing less than better than what you’re getting or giving right now.

Time is a great teacher of all things we allow ourselves to learn from the past, change our present so when we create our future we are creating memories that are worth remembering, that always last.

“Do not awaken love before it’s the right time.”
Song of Solomon 8:4

June 27, 2019

Shining Star, the Inspirer

So, what have a learnt today in my meditation and time away from the unruly noise around me? The importance of the message, the ability to inspire others to create change and impact others and how we tend to get so fixated on our own importance and role in inspiring and influencing others and the credit we get for sharing the gifts and messages we receive so freely.

I really want to focus on the negative mindset behind the ability to be recognised. We crave it and need it, with social media platforms like Instagram we are allowed to feed this desire for admiration and validation. The majority of us don’t use it as a tool to reach the masses but as a step stool for our own ego. We haven’t learnt how to silence the need inside to be validated so we feed it so we feel it may stay quiet. How did we forget that we are already so worthy and beautiful? With insecurity and isolation, we are sacrificed to the loneliness that hurts the most, but with a filter, we can filter our reality and create a place where we feel we can mask our true identity. We should be considering our own pain as a thing of beauty, to use as its own tool to healing deeper inside our hearts and minds. We can embody the virtue of the spider, weaving our own truth to share with others to help enlighten them, help them grow and break old ways and form a new future that is filled with light, love and hope.

In amongst eh confidence and interesting lives and talents people share are we really helping make a change in the world with them or do we use them so we can exalt our status or so we can use it as a tool to help others. Are we so broken we are fixated on our own darkness that we can find the light in us and share it with others? These are just some of the thoughts and questions that stood out in my daily meditation for this morning. That it is the message that is important not me the messenger. I am not the creator of my own gift but God is the creator who decided to give it to me freely, so I should do the same, share who I am with others. That being someone who has been through the darkness and comes out somehow with the light shining ever brighter. It is not my own success that I share but the ability to understand and that what I’ve been through is a gift to share from what I learnt.

We all have our own gifts and abilities to give into this world and instead of hiding them, disregarding them as relevant or already cutting ourselves down with premeditated thoughts of others negative responses, let’s just give. There were so many times I longed for an honest answer to one of my life’s difficult questions and no had the answer or no one had the guts to tell me the truth. I realise now it’s because they couldn’t even be honest and real with themselves about their own situation and life. So here we all are, together on one big beautiful planet we all can call home, maybe we should act more like a family than enemies and maybe the world would change for better. We can’t change the whole world but we can change our immediate self, our own situation and life and that if we all do this we do impact the space around us. We can change the world but only if we change our own selves, inside out.

I hope this encourages you to think about your own self, what you’re going through and how you feel. Begin to seek answers and dig a little deeper. You will find the healing you need and then comes the freedom. You will be comfortable for the first time in a long time, your cares and worries begin to dissipate into non-existence. You will begin to bear the light to shine into others lives and help them where they are at. You will begin to make a difference. It doesn’t need to be recognised by national television for it to be important, just by the person you pour into. Sometimes it’s the actions others can repay that mean the most, that when we take action that cannot be returned we’ve truly fulfilled the law of humanity, to love one another.

Let’s change our mindsets from ME to YOU and the only way to do that is to deal with ourselves first then we can use the strength we have to help others. I believe in all things good as irrational as that may seem, it keeps me flowing right and that flows into those around me. That’s better than a constant toxic person, right? Think about it. We all have the power to impact those around us just with a word or attitude. So choose wisely what energy you choose to manifest into being around you and into others.

June 27, 2019

The Negative Opinion, the False Identifier.

I have this issue I seem to fall under – trying to show people that I’m not the negative person they say I am. People’s opinions matter to me. It’s a problem I developed when I was 18. I had a lot of conflict and hardship and it just destroyed me how I was constantly being talked about so negatively. I was never good enough and always attacked in groups by people who were supposed to be righteous and important. Their actions proved otherwise.

It broke every part of me to have to comprehend people I was supposed to trust and depend on slander and gossip, tell me the lies they spread about. It was awful. My problem was I couldn’t hurt and I fly and I desperately wished they would see the truth and light about me. Until now, I realise how much emotional damage they’ve inflicted. I couldn’t live my life to the highest, truest calling I had in me. I had years stolen and emotional damage like only a few would understand. I still crave who I am but this time I’m trying to come against all the damage they’ve done over the years with their words. I had enough, I was done with thinking with regret about my past and all the abuse I faced.

So today, I hope I can encourage whoever needs to see this. Stay true to you no matter what they say. You can’t change evil, you can be the good you are though.