There is no such thing as karma because if there was justice would be served every time. Every time someone hurt you, karma would be there to protect you, every time you hurt someone else, karma would be there to get you because what goes around sure doesn’t come around.
Seems like if you’re your trying your best you wont get far unless the worst comes out from you. Unless you scratch and claw your way to some sort of victory it won’t magically happen, that all your kindness and goodness will not come back to you. It will be sucked from you.
I’ll tell you what’s real, we the people, everyone that surrounds us, we are real. We are the makers of justice we are the protectors of those who need it the most. Whats real is when someone tries to push you down, you push back and you don’t let anyone take what’s rightfully yours. Whats real is everyone around who stands up for you and your rights, not just standing by watching as you are being beaten. Beaten by life, by others, by yourself.
So the next time something bad happens to you, don’t let anyone tell you to believe in karma or that karma will save the day because you’ll be waiting a long time. We are the power, we are the people. We are the deciders of our own destiny and fate. Not karma.
Fastforward ’23. Guides step in, energy shifts and balance restored. It was a short road that felt so long at the time.
How lost am I without you, to see your face, to hear your voice. I long for you touch and to know you’re with me. All I want is to turn back time so I could muster courage to be with you. To fight for the one thing I came here to do, love. All I want is to love you deeply and tenderly. To know you’re my person, the one person for me who loves me, who longs to see me everyday.
You’re on my mind and consume my thoughts. Every word I wish I had spoken to you so you could know how much I truly love you. To touch your hair, to see your face. To know you’re with me, that you’re mine and I am yours for all this time we have been given.
In a world so lonely and full of division, we could be together and whole. We wouldn’t need for anything more that your ability to give me life in your words, in your eyes, in your smile. That all I want is to be pleasing to you that I can hold the greatest treasure, to be in your heart.
Your love for me surpasses all other emotions, feelings, circumstances. That we are for each other thats all we need is to love one another. For this life and the next is only made complete and whole by you. That you and me, we are for each other, we complete one another. How can an ocean exist without it’s shore. That we are forever two peas in a pod, two halves of a whole heart.
When I look into your eyes it’s like seeing stars for the first time, that your tender voice and sweet smile consume me, they consume the very breath from my words. How can I speak when such beauty exists and I get to see it. You’re like a vision from heaven, how can something so perfect be real and how can I be so special to be the exposure of your gracious being.
You take me up like a whirlwind of fire, you don’t destroy me, you protect me. The colours are like forms of water with soft pinks, orange, blues. They sparkle like glitter. In that moment time stops, it’s just you and me for all eternity surrounded by your love for me.
When we think about life, we think about ourselves. All the things we’ve experienced and done and all the things that are yet to come. We spend most our lives just being, doing, thinking, but when it comes to the hard hitting questions we shy away and play coy. We joke, we avoid or we cry. Thinking about the end of this life for many is the end of their exisitence all together. They had a good run and now they’re done.
I wonder though how many people really believe this or feel this to be true. How can we just be born, live and die. It doesn’t make sense. Then there are those who have died and they live to tell the tale that there was nothing but they fail to realise if they are telling about the nothing, then it wasn’t their time to see the afterlife. They weren’t ready to go on to the next stage of their existence, their death did not decide their final breath. We also have those who are spiritual but not religious and those who meditate. There are those who speak to spirits, tell fortunes and even those who really experience life changing moments with beings greater than us and stay silent. Do all these things not become real to them to open their spirits eyes and realise there is more than this or does the thought of a greater expanse frighten them?
So, my questions is what are we doing here? Are we in denial of what was before and what now lies ahead of us. Do we really believe we can fool ourselves into believing that we are no more than dust? That we the internal exist with our external and as it perishes so does our soul? I want to believe there are many who are prepared for life after death, every day they live with the knowledge that they are powerful and in charge of their life and they will make a difference here one way or another. I would also like to believe those who try to make the most of their time here see the bigger picture. What could that be? Maybe that we are more than what we like to say we are. We contain ourselves to the small practices of everyday life, we are bound by excuses not really reach out further into our own destinies.
I guess I just want to know, do we believe we are worth more than we project our life to be or are we just going along with the current? Do we find ourselves embracing change and challenges or are we just comfortable in our space where nothing can happen that we don’t wish to happen. Are we not sure of our full power and potential, what tries to contain us and keep us trapped? Can we break the chains and allow ourselves to full ascend into our eternal self? I can’t answer these questions but I hope we do.
The pharisees, an old time group of people who followed the law of God in the Old Testament to a tee, or at least could recite it really well. I’m sure they had their practices they followed but nothing really invested into them except the belief they were doing things that would get them into the kingdom of Heaven.
These people were so convinced in their minds of their ‘righteous behaviour’ they called the son of God a liar because that would mean everything they knew to be true was now being challenged in an absolutely blasphemous way.
Fast forward to 2019 and here we are with the same group of people who refuse to change their behaviour and mindsets. They will not part with the security of taking pieces of the word of God.
Fast forward to 2023. They remain as dust to the wind. I wrote this in a powerful coming time in my life, or at least what was a reckoning and awakening as an adult. I am thankful I can look back on these words and not these people. Praise be.
We see in every movie, tv show and read in very book, hear in very romantic songs, a love that makes us feel good, whole and complete. Yet we seem to be looking through the wrong side of the glass, peering between clasped hands into a world that is not our own. One filled with comfort and celebration, dancing, drinking and nonsensical joy.
We are here on the outside. Looking in again and again hoping to feel something like they do but alone. We walk home with loneliness and a sadness almost like grief. It ever so carefully places its claw like hand on our shoulder to remind us we are not so alone, we are accompanied by a thing so heavy but light that we carry it in our soul somewhere, hidden in our hearts.
We sometimes say we like to be alone but this is a lie we tell ourselves and others. No one can see into our inner sanctum, our every day lives we live alone. So we lie. We lie about how we are okay, we lie about how great our life is, we lie about how happy and great everything is, then the conversation is over.
When go home, we find ourselves faced with the silence of harrowing absence and that is were we truly find ourselves. It’s like a pain you can’t see or explain but you feel it always lingering there when the noise of voices and sounds outside make you forget, even maybe for just a moment. We go looking for others to pretend we are okay. That their presence makes this all alright and somewhat bearable.
Then, one day, with kinder eyes, softer mind and more courageous heart, we let go of the expectation and hope of being lvoed the same way we love others. That in fact we find our tribe who love us the same way, with genuine and authentic understanding, making space for the bigger parts of ourselves others tried so hard to cut down. We allow to flourish and grow with nourishment.
That our love story never ended, because it never really began until we began to truly let go, release and find ourselves to be the most wonderful beautoful, caring and kind person we could truly give our all too. That’s awfully special if you ask me.
There are so many relationship breakdowns, in family and friends, marriages and dating. We see a lot of information being shared on how important we are as an individual, that our needs are our priority. All these self-centred ideas come in the form of how to let go and manifest our single lives. There is nothing wrong with priorities your health, your goals and dreams but, if you want to have a relationship, at least one where neither of you are toxic for each other, then it’s time to give a fuck. So, I have broken down a list of partners we may or may not encounter in our time here (fingers crossed) but with some reason at the end in how to enter and exit. You are worthy of being given a fuck about and more so it is better to give and so give a fuck for those who do give a fuck about you.
The Lazy Partner
We are all able to priorities our needs but what about someone else’s? Does making that trip out to them make you feel bored or tired before you’ve even left the house?
Don’t get me wrong, we all know if something isn’t really right then forcing it to happen is really unhealthy for both parties but especially the one who is trying to make it happen. Getting a relationship to take flight requires two parties, not one. We all know the sayings about not giving from an empty tank and that usually leads to self-care, but it’s going to continue to be a cycle of one who gives and one who receives. There are going to be times when we are struggling and our significant other will take on the extra responsibility and roles, but this is different from someone who has this belief that a relationship is self-beneficial, no need to keep trying to impress someone if you’ve got them in your web of ghosting and addiction bonding. Addiction bonding in terms of relationships is described as someone who will reinforce the reward of the relationship at the beginning, and after a while, you’ll get used to it. They’ll take the reward away and over time it will become less and less, but you’ll keep pressing on, hoping for that single emotional reward. At least that is how I understand and explain it. Very simply.
The Selfish partner
Selfish, self-centred, self-righteous, the self is the core of their value system which they thoroughly lack and some warped version of a code they live by.
The Absent Partner
They’re never there, ever. They have a lot of inner work to do, and it’s not your job to love them harder in hopes they’ll see you one day.
The Controlling Partner
You’re not allowed. At all ever. All that seemed shiny and nice at the beginning, possibly even seemed caring initially more than anyone else, turned out to be them training you to wear a leash and if ever their insecurity or self is tested, you’ll get pulled back into line really quickly.
The Insecure Partner
The greatest projector of emotions. They’ll accuse you of doing things they don’t like yet it wasn’t even close to the reality of motive. They are constantly blinded by their own thoughts and feelings and tend not to see or accept reason or reality. Family history is key to this.
The Emotionally Unavailable Partner
This one is my “favorutie” kind of person, the scenario goes, you and this person meet, hit it off and enjoy each others company, they are sloppy though and don’t put in a lot of effort. Most dates are not really dates but things they want to do and your time revolves their emotions and decisions. You don’t really get a say but you spend time with them because you believe there is some good there and enjoy them as a person but, they will not commit to you, find ways to waste your time and all because of their previous relationship. You will get to suffer because of that. Now this person seriously needs to be that “guy” who has to take their hurts and dump them in the emotional fire and be done with them because they are stringing you along for a ride with no actual promise or premise. They will waste your time, energy and resources and when it’s most convenient to them they will show a little bit of promise or shine some light into a dark and strange thing they would consider to be okay as a relationship that suits their current needs. You’re no ones side piece, or second hand trophy so get away from this person. They will keep pushing you away and for some reason keeping toying with you to come closer. Don’t let that happen. Walk away and get as far away as possible you’re not a hotline hottie for their emotional needs. Give yourself a chance to go higher and aim for bigger and better things.
The Complacent Partner
You’re there, they don’t really have to do too much more to keep you around. They pick the hardest worker and strivers in life until they burn out and may or may not filter through people. They just don’t have any reason to change and if they have support from family, friends and one like-minded they continue the complacent lifestyle. Believing why should I do more, what need is there?
The You May As Well Be Single Partner
Honestly you’re better off without these kinds of people in your life . You do everything all the time for this person, it’s the ultimate one way street and you’re road tripping down it to an endless supply of disappointment and misery. Although you think about how you’d be better off you never really leave and you should start to listen to that niggle and voice telling over and over why you should, the universe clearly has your back and stressing about how you’re going to leave and what you’re going to lose is minor compared to what you have already lost wasting your time with this person.
Diversity, what does that mean? What does that look like today? By definition, it is described as “the state of being diverse.” There are still parts of us that are not so agreeable to promoting such behaviour. Like everything, there is a pro or con, but diversity should feel like making your favourite dish with a secret ingredient. That one flavour that takes a simple dish to the next level. That my friends are what diversity means to me. That one addition to our lives can make it so much more exciting.
We have so much to learn from each other, and maybe sometimes we forget that. That diverse nature isn’t just human, but everything. Maybe that’s why we celebrate the changing seasons, phases of moon, having a four legged best friend and the many aromatic or more sublte flavours life has for us.
Just trying to remind myself that I’m valid. That it’s okay when it’s not. When they treat you like you’ll never belong. It took a long time to step back from the connection I longed for and see that they were never the right ones.
It’s okay to just be on the outside alone, travelling, learning and growing until you find that tribe, or at least thats what I try to remind myself off. Maybe it’s better we don’t have that association anyways. Maybe, that’s perfectly fine.
There has been this history I’ve had of disappointments. One in particular that constantly rears it’s ugly head is Recognition. It really hurts me when I try so hard and do my best but I never get recognised for the hard work I do. I can have an idea or put an idea out there but someone else does the exact same of lesser quality and it’s just so much better. It’s an instant hit. I ask myself what’s wrong with me that I don’t get recognised, that all my hard work and effort gets put down and pushed aside, why is there always someone else who is better than me.
It doesn’t have to even be for one particular scenario, it seems to be a vast range from relationships, to work, personal life and family. I am this constant disappointment to myself and to others. That what I’m producing never seems to be enough. It’s doesn’t matter who it is, right or wrong. It just doesn’t get across. The hurtful part is when I try and share and I get a really bad response from others. The dirty looks, the comments, stares. It’s like they feed themselves with gossip of me and my actions, even if I don’t do anything worthy of it. I don’t know how to navigate this pain. It’s just a weight that bares all my vulnerability.
Esoteric Realms 