So like all Black Mirror episodes, we are taken on a journey into the future where things seem all too familiar. This episode reflects on a system that gathers information on individuals over a series of relationships. Frank and Amy, our leading gent and lady, are absolutely perfect for each other, they know it, we know, but the system decides against it. They enjoy a 12 hour “relationship” all thanks to a system that is 99.8% accurate and successful for the perfect match, or so they say.
So as many people know how the episode goes, I’m not here to give a rewrite but share what stood out to me, my takeaway message as you would have it. We seem to believe or convince ourselves to stay in the wrong relationships. Whether it be because it’s convenient, deeper emotional issues like trauma bonding, or just convincing yourself you have to be in it for any reason. Yet the ones we desire most we believe or convince ourselves we aren’t able or allowed to. Why do we do this to ourselves, I know I am very guilty of this. For an array of unbelievable reasons, I stayed in a place that was not my home as you would have it. It was not a place of comfort, support or representative of any love whatsoever.
I find it baffling that we have this mixed up psychology in relationships, that we can seek out unhealthy and incompatible people and somehow try and bond to them. Why? Not everyone does this, and I know for a fact it has a lot to do with how we are treated and reared from birth well into our early adult life. We feel this sense of duty to those who are not reciprocal in our affections and understanding of our needs, or those who have diminished our self identity and tell us who we can or cannot choose to be loved by. No, I don’t mean the people who are right in their warnings, but those who are controlling of all our choices.
The other part that stood out was this understanding of how terrible the experience of having to endure meaningless relationships, one after the other. You’re waiting and hoping for it to end, or you’re full aware that it will end soon enough, and it’s so tiresome emotionally. The right match we search for, find and hold onto, yet it seems like everything including a flawless system tries to pull you apart. You will know if you’re a perfect match, you’ll know your twin flame, the other part of yourself.
It would seem the moment we take back our power and stop watching the clock is also the moment the greatest fear comes of if it had to end just like every other relationship because even though you know it’s the one, there could be this moment where we lose it all. Fear and terror of past emotional trauma takes over, and it would seem that we become the cause of a foreseeable end or issue to arise. We program ourselves into responding so negatively, we hurt ourselves before anything even happens.
The biggest take home message I have is, don’t ever give your power away or anyone to decide your life for you or leave it up to chance. It’s all you, you know who you draw to yourself and vice versa. We’ll know how to navigate through it because it is ours.
Pictures speaks a thousand words or something like that. This speaks straight to my heart. I love Love, what can I say. The heart wants what the heart wants and if you’re like me it’s more than chocolate and flowers, it’s real. It’s a reality and emotion and force that leads your life that you can’t shake out from. Everything you do is to love. Except when we don’t get what we need in return we get frustrated, we know we are being shown what we give. It’s a pickle sometimes to navigate but we learn, eventually that not everyone has to receive what we have to give, not everyone is willing or actually deserving.
Two energies, two full life forces that can form one, the difference in them is a completion of the other. We’re different but we are the pieces that fit perfectly together, one is strong and the other nurtures, one might be clever and the other silly and one might be broken and the other a healer, to be able then to turn the tables and reverse the roles. You always complement each other which can annoy you but instead of fighting their yin to your yang, embrace their madness, sadness, brokenness and help lead and guide them on their journey to growth. This is your relationship, you don’t get the fruit for nothing, you both have to put the time and care into it and into each other to watch it grow, flourish, heal and then you can enjoy the fruits of both your labour.
You can’t deny that love really does make the world go around, but not the tv love, I’m describing only the real sacrificial, unconditional, will break you and cleanse you, love. The only love that matters. The one that brings you closer and connected to each other, you really do form one person. You are made whole in real love. You know yourself best when it comes to your experiences and expectations but when you find it, you know.
I hope you all know yourself enough to know you are worth more than “less than acceptable” behaviour and effort. Why settle for wet rag when you can ignite yourself with your twin flame. I have a tendency you could say, towards the importance of the prioritisation of people in your life over other materialistic things. More importantly the ones you love over other irrelevant people and things. Your car is not important, your job is not worth the one person who actually will be there if you’re dying, it’s only the ones who love us who will truly hold us as we travel through life’s journey.
If you don’t have each other, what do you really have?
There are so many takers of our energy and emotions. It can be work, spouse, children, friendships or family. It’s not necessarily a bad thing unless they are just thieves of this. I find every day I am run down and feeling low in energy and running empty on emotions. I have so many factors in my life that contribute to this but to summarise, I have two young children, a husband, a household and every responsibility that comes with it. To add to this mix we are moving, have an operation and are planning to travel to see family. You’d be right in thinking I’m going to handle this all.
I’ve learnt how important it is to just stop and try and fill myself up. I struggle with this pattern of behaviour where I push myself to make everyday work. My days consist of mostly the same activities and usually, when I can’t add any more in I get a call from someone who needs or wants something and I push myself to do this for them with my two young children in tow. I began to realise I was giving a lot more than I was receiving and that this exchange was a one-way street.
I have begun to tune into how I am feeling emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually and saw how I didn’t make any time for myself. No one was coming to my aid so I could get the much-needed help I needed. I was being used time and time again under the premise and belief that I am so happy to help others and surely they’d be happy to help me. Boy, was I wrong? It was like pulling teeth from a Tiger, not convenient for them, it didn’t suit them, the reasons and excuses were endless.
I had to come to the realisation and acceptance that I just could not push myself anymore for anyone or anything, especially when they would not come to my aid when I was left so empty, run-down and ill. I, unfortunately, had no one to turn to, so I had to turn to myself once again for the help I so desperately needed. I would have to put these boundaries in and stick with them. Soon guilt was to follow, but I was able to wake up to the blatant fact that I am not anyone’s fairy godmother, I don’t have the magic to make things happen, and it’s not my job to keep others so well-preserved while empty every resource I have just to get them by.
It’s hard to take time out for yourself when you have so much on your shoulders, but I’ve learnt to put things into a routine and time frame, that I can do what’s necessary for the morning and after that, I will make time for meditation and recovery. I will make time to eat, relax and just be with my children. I encourage the older one to play while the other child has asleep, and I leave any other jobs for later instead of stressing about doing them immediately. The truth is, these things will always be there, and they never end. What does end is my ability to keep going and giving, and that’s now my responsibility to take care of because no one else will help me take the necessary time away that I need to recuperate?
If you’re like me and seem to be this endless well of life to others around you, I implore you, please stop. Find another way. No one person is meant to be the only source of help to another because we run out too. We need to take time for ourselves to recover and rest because if we don’t we won’t be able to keep pouring out in a healthy loving way, but we become tired, worn out and run down, the quality lacking from our kindness. We need to be realistic about the goals and standards we set for ourselves and pride always come before the fall, so learn to be wise and take the time you need. No one else will do it for you.
We are not better for it, if you do it just to elevate yourself then your heart and actions are wrong too. Ask yourself, will I give from what I have, or will I give from an empty cup deceived by pride? Give from a cup that is good, that is loving. We all want to receive from someone who truly cares, not someone who is bitter but does it anyway because no one else will, or it’s the right thing to do.
I woke angry again today with everyone around me. I wish they would do something or contribute something to add to my life for once and not always me giving and giving and giving. If you’re like me, then we have a problem, and today I want to break down and get to the root of why always allow the wrong ones in every single time.
When I was a child I had no choice, but my parents did as to who I was introduced to, who was allowed to be around me and why they felt it was okay. As a child, I was put into every bad situation without my consent and had no one to protect me from the evils. No one would believe when I told them what had happened or what someone was really like. I was taught to be quiet and let it happen, no one will believe me, listen to me or make me a priority.
When I began to form relationships, they were with people I was forced to be with. I wasn’t the teacher’s favourite, so I was automatically the trouble child’s carer and now apparent friend. I was being taught it didn’t matter what I wanted or how to find and create friendships with people who were like me. When I did try it was still very restricted, people would always come to me because they knew I was nice enough to always say yes. I was never allowed to say no. I was taught to be subservient and follow instructions.
Finally, when I walked away from people and places I didn’t want to be with, I felt free, and it was like I was in alignment with myself and my path for the first time. It was very freeing. It was a gift to myself to say no more to these people and situations. This didn’t last very long. When it came to an opportunity for my first real intimate relationship as a teenager, that too was taken away from me because if I wasn’t doing exactly what my parent wanted, I would live in hell until I broke their will. Despite saying no, I was forced into a relationship that was suitable for others and not me. Thankfully it did end, but it destroyed a whole different part of me. I was taught by this person about betrayal, lies, cheating and weakness. I was being taught my needs, desire and direction are going to be destroyed by them and that my life is not my own.
When it came to finishing life in high school, which I don’t think I would’ve survived, with the school chaplain who just listened. They actually helped me find my confidence and strength again to succeed for my own gain and future, and once again I felt like I had control over the path and journey I knew I was on and what I wanted. This only ever lasted till I went home. I was being taught that those who are supposed to care won’t. I was then forced into another scenario where I had to be someone’s friend. I had to be okay with babysitting this person because no one else liked them or would tolerate them. They still make me feel queasy till today, and the only emotion evoked is hatred as I’ve processed the anger. They were pure evil. I was again taught that I would be out into situations I didn’t want but would be burned will in them by everyone in it and around it.
I was so desperate from being starved of true self that I was ready to accept any form of so-called affection or future. I would begin to allow anything in just so I could feel a little while, like I could hold onto something real, even if it wasn’t just for a minute. I ended in a place where being so abandoned I learnt to embrace the silence and soon became stronger, more conscious and woke to my true self. I realised why I am angry, it’s because I know my worth, what I’ve lost, what I’ve endured, at whose hands I’ve suffered, and now I am angry because I know what my worth is and what I give. I am angry because I shouldn’t be here, this isn’t my path or final destination where I sit on the side lines of life and everyone else keeps ascending while I watch because I’ve been pushed down to stay down. I’m angry because this is not my home, not my present or future, and not my place.
After being stolen from, I rebuilt myself every time to give the benefit of the doubt to the wrong one. I’m angry because I’d let the wrong one in. In saying this I fought hard until I had nothing left, and they pushed their way in, and yet I still blame myself. Years of conditioning they trained me it’s always my fault, and I’m always to blame, and with that I began to die inside slowly from all their toxic behaviour and words to me and about me. No one survives that, and I almost didn’t, but I tried one last time for me. So yes I am angry because I have this second chance and awakening and with that comes anger and frustration of being used shamelessly and no one is on the same level of reciprocation, love or worthy of any respect. It makes me angry these people are still latched on to me, taking day in and day out and getting away with it. They have everyone else so fooled but me, and it seems that I am still trapped in their cage.
How do I break out from here. Feed into myself, live myself, respect and honour myself. Not them. It will shrivel up and die with the lack of water of love and care only I give them. They will cease to exist because a parasite with no host is nothing. So without my generosity they will dissipate. I realise now how they had their hook in me, with a large chain ending in their anchor. Love is not anchored down by force, this is not stability or protection. They are not providing you with what you need. Stop trying to mask the truth and don’t settle for it.
The older I get, the more aware I am becoming and allowing myself to feel the emotion connected to the situation has only come from a deep frustration. I’ve stopped fearing the pain they bring and embraced it because if I didn’t, I couldn’t see it for what it really is. Bearer of Pain. I have had to put every thing into the reality that it is, and that’s why I am angry. That I gave up on myself and now here I am. They make me empty-handed, unsatisfied and disappointed with myself and the whole situation. I wish people were like me, to treat others right and just be honest, but that’s never going to happen, and I need to stop trying to make believe it will.
I can’t keep glossing over their sins and selfish behaviour because they leave me empty and weighed down. I don’t do this to myself, so why should I let anyone else trap me like this? I really don’t know how to escape this situation and that’s the hard part is that there is no escaping from people who are unstable, aggressive and narcissistic. Unless you can disappear to a safe distance and end things on your side. Until then, I will keep processing my anger and letting it be my reminder that I will never do something that doesn’t line up with my path every again!
I fully comprehend the difference now between those who hold you down and hold you back.
As I get older I find I get so tired, you could say even exhausted just so easily. Like how I’m so tired of people who refuse to change, admit their faults to how badly they treat others, how rude and arrogant they can be, their selfish, self centred, self gain agenda. It’s just so tiring. Imagine being the only one who constantly makes the effort, who goes above and beyond any request or expectation because you truly care and you back your word with action, but they just don’t care. They are all talk and no action. They act to impress others and that’s really about it.
They are like a weight around you that won’t let go, it keeps pulling you further down into the depths of an unwavering sea of depression. You keep trying to pull the other way, trying to help them by pulling them to the surface but they won’t budge, they won’t let you breathe They’ll happily watch and stand by as you gasp for air. What do you do in this circumstance? How does one person change the world? It would seem they have to change themselves. I have learnt to let go. Let go of trying so hard to do the right thing by these people who couldn’t care less. I’ve stopped caring about their thoughts and opinions, especially their great ability to spread rumours and love for gossip. The main talking piece – Me. I’ve realised that it doesn’t matter what you do. You can try and do the right thing for them constantly and you’re not enough or you can walk away and they will talk badly about you and portray you as the villain. I’d rather be painted as a monster than be under the threat of one.
I’ve begun to understand why evil exists, why there will always be a “bad guy” in every story. Their frustrations and anger turns sour and after every attempt to be right and do right, they get tired, like me. Tired of being treated like garbage, tired of being walked over and stepped on, we are tired of the emotional booty call and temporary void filler we have become for you because we want people to know we understand what it’s like to have no one and nothing but they do not care. They take and steal and push and shove, they lie and create this environment where no one thrives but them. They use every weapon and word against you and play your good intentions against your emotions. You become their toy they do not treat with love and care. Instead you are now more raggedy than Ann. You are the broken puppet, the unvalued item to their puppet master persona. Holding yourself together by a thread.
Nothing is ever going to change in their heroic self claimed status of what they do and don’t deserve and how they dictate what you can and cannot have. You’re broken down, you’re useless of not your own accord, your done. So when they begin to let you go and eventually throw you away don’t return to them with good intentions, return the risen villain they paint you to be. Strong, self reliant and most importantly, the loveable hero in your own story. Turn the tables and raise your voice. Let it be heard and not silenced. Let no one again use you and exhaust you. Do not waste your time on those who do not care for you or love you. Do not wait for them to admit their true intentions, their true feelings.
You are better, you are badass, you are real.
This is your story. Be your own hero. Image belongs to WaveLength.
How can I know pain until I’ve felt its tightening grip. How can I know heartache until every last thread has been ripped open. Every part of me is broken, I am like shattered glass on the cold and harsh hardwood floors, these are your words.You keep pressing down harder until you break me. I am the broken pieces lying on the floor for all the world to see. You have taken all my dignity and let me be seen.You will not respect me and sweep my brokeness into a heap.You throw me away like the broken toy I am to you, I am broken because of you.
Lying amongst the trash in a heap, I reflect the suns rays. I attract without know someone else who will come some day. They see my shimmer and watch my glittering shine. They pick up my pieces and think I’m divine. Carefully know I am collected, laid on their table to be reconnected. Here I am slowly but sure, with tender hands I am no longer broken.They stand back to see me as I once was, but this time I have been strengthened. Here I am no longer in Broken Pieces.
Image copyright belongs to M3ND Project. This Image is not my own.
There is a brokenness inside me, it’s so heavy. I wish I could explain how much pain it brings me daily. It’s like heavy chains around my feet and I’ve been left to sink into the depths of sadness and despair. I’m pretty good at pretending that I forget sometimes where my face starts and where my mask ends. It turns me into a person who people pretend to care about based on their need. The guarantee is that I’m always there for them and they can promise they can never be there for me.
It works for me this pain I bare to everyone who is so blind to see. In their comfort zones I’m extradited and yet somehow fully aware. Promises of nothing and no one are preferred it’s potential to carry truth is finally there. No one pretending to matter or fake care. It works better for me, this understanding that I can bleed my life for them while their thirst for life is somewhat satisfied.
Pretending everything is okay is the best part, it means I’ve changed my mask again and that is an important part to this pain charade. You can’t have the same mask twice as they get bored and you don’t want to bore them. They will ignore you like their acknowledgement matters to your existence. So you better smile before you think twice.It doesn’t matter what you say or do they will always be the same. Talk about you behind your back and spread every little lie, letting them flourish and grow to brandish your good name. It doesn’t matter though they hunt in groups, that’s how they gain their strength. Without the masses to believe they’d just be a one man army with a megaphone.
So hear ye, hear ye all around hear my plea and cry, that if you know some one who suffers don’t leave them there to die. Be there for them no matter what, forsake yourself for once. Put another first and break the chain.
We can once and for all, altogether, finish this cycle of brokenness, darkness and pain.
Relationships shouldn’t be this hard where they begin to take layers and layers out of you. It’s almost like these people are lines up ready to take their turn in removing a piece from you.
I wait and hope constantly for the love I deserve and I become greatly disappointed when I see others have it given to them so freely. I am left to starve. In love you should not crave love, you should be left satisfied and not asking yourself where you went wrong and why you need more.
To me love is a place where two enter and one leaves, they are united in love not one left for dead for the others gain. I don’t know where to find a love where I can just be free, where hoping, praying and wishing wouldn’t take up my mind and crying is no more. Where do you find a love that gives you satisfaction and not hopelessness and a broken heart with a bruised spirit.
I find myself lost in a sea of thought pondering why I am so lucky to be treated so frivolous and how I am so expendable, ready and breakable. Who made the rules that I was the one to be your emotional cushion, your teddy bear, your comforter and place of sanctuary and when I require sanctuary I am left out in the cold.
How does one respond with hatred to a plea of love, why does one break another so they can use the bones to build themselves up. How do you fight for someone when they fight to bring you to your knees and why does someone believe they are better than me.
Who decides whats fair and right and how we are perceived when I all I long for is security, protection and tenderness, fruit that isn’t rotten. How come you decide my fate in your hands and think the foul thoughts that you do. Why am I your emotional cushion and you my free fall. I am no longer your place of comfort, a treasure to be mistreated. I am not cheap and not expendable but I am rarer than them all.
You do decide my fate of heart and provide the security. The cages that build inside and walls that hammer down around bring me further away from any sanity but I look through these windows and what do I see. Happy couples laughing loving, families growing, flourishing, providing a life of only one could dream.
Do not drown me in your sorrow and brokenness and drag me through your muck. I have got feelings to you know or did you forget I was human when I sunk. So play me the song of you sadness and bring serenity to me but you cannot find peace, not with me because we are once and for all done.
So leave me be as you plan when things don’t go your way for I am but a bird and you a snake and there can be nothing to engage. Let me be, let me fly and find my own way now. Let love never be broken and tarnished as you have made it somehow. Promise me one thing tonight that you’ll forever leave me be, neglect as you have always done and for once I will be free.
There is an evil that lies beneath the surface, yet hides in plain sight. You can see it unless it wants you to. It will only show its true face when it decides it wants total control and domination over you when it decides it’s time for you to die. You won’t realise it at first and you won’t know what signs and clues to look for, yet they will all be there right in front of you. You will begin to second guess everything you do and it will ensure you please it. you will believe that everything you do isn’t enough and soon you will believe you’re not good enough.
It will sneak in slowly at first like poison but you will not feel its bite. It will seep into every last inch of you until it has completely taken over. It will infiltrate your mind, how you think and soon how you feel. It will no longer be an outward expression but total domination of your very soul. Soon it will crush you like a snake, with a weight you’ve never known. It will consume you and it will not protect you from the prey you’ve become. You will no longer move, you will no longer breath. Soon you will be nothing.
It is a parasite that seeks a host, a host with good intentions and a clear conscience. It will turn that around and soon you will begin to be drained of any life or emotion you may have once had. It becomes sinking sand, the more you struggle and fight the quicker you sink. It will devour you and it will enjoy it. You will no longer function as freely as you once did, it will take everything from you. Don’t pretend like you can’t see it because it will come for you.
You are there for it but it is not there for you. It may seem that it pays attention to you, it may want you, but it’s not actually YOU that it’s after. It only wants what is inside of you, to destroy and consume the real YOU. If you want to conquer this beast you must play its game, you must shut yourself down and look you away. You must play dead because what fun is there of the snake if the mouse isn’t alive. They live for the thrill of the hunt, to hunt you down and take the very essence of who you are away from you like they made you in the first place.
Remind yourself daily, you are not alive for them and they do belong in your life. If they know you are kind you will be seen as weak, you will let down your walls and let only pure evil in. They live to hurt you it gives them great joy to know you are weak and ruined. They now will be seen as greater than you, they will ensure others see your pain. They will mock you for your kindness and sacrifice, they will steal from you. Don’t feed into their words, and look them in eye. You will see all you need to behind the mask from which they try to hide.
So if you want to live and tell the tale of the two-faced monster, don’t engage them, don’t entice them and most certainly don’t let them in your life. They will come for you, unless you know how to catch them in their own lies, to cut the head from the snake and burn them, they will make sure you never win. No one will believe you when you’ve seen their true form, their real monstrosity. You will be hurt and angry, soon to be seen as a liar because only you will have know their true form to know the truth. So don’t take it personally, just walk away and ensure you are become dead to them because only then will you be truly free.
This is inspired by Corinthians 6 v 14-18, I understand it is speaking about keeping yourself spiritually cleanliness, respecting you are a the temple for the holy spirit and not involving yourself with things that will corrupt or harm you. I however have been reflecting on other things that do relate to this particular verse but the focused is on relationships, something I discuss a lot. I hope you enjoy this piece either way.
There is a bible verse about the importance of being equally yoked. To understand where I’m going with this we need to understand what a yoke was and the context it is being used. A yoke is defined as a wooden crosspiece that is fastened over the necks of two animals and attached to the plough or cart that they are to pull.
The image that comes to mind is two animals yoked together, one does the work faithfully and the other needs constant beating to get moving. They end up going in literal circles because one is leading the other because the other is lazy and discontent, but we are not animals yet we get stuck in this situation.
Now imagine two of the same animal connected together working together for a common goal. Now they have taken this and used this in the context of relationships that we may understand we are to be equally yoked with one another. That we are two people connected together working together for for the common goal.
I found that I only began to understand this in its entirety by the reflection of“relationships” I’ve managed to survive over the years. Bear in mind the only view or explanation I received was a very brief, blunt religious view which focussed on setting christian believers together that they are connected and work as one but for me I needed to know relationships mean more than that because that just didn’t sit right with me.
Now before I go any further, yes it is hard to have a relationship and maintain a relationship with someone who either opposes or dismisses your beliefs especially if their considered religious. I personally know how hard it can be when they don’t have the same values as you do and how you treat each other is not equal or fair at all.
I have found to be equally yoked, we need to be able to connect on a deeper level. The importance of this has grown over the years and I have found that sometimes a “relationship” can’t be just me showing another person they are loveable, that I need to be important, that this relationship needs to be taken seriously and not as a time waster or need filler.
To be equally yoked is to be able to talk out your goals and dreams, to be accepting and encouraging of one another, to build each other up and not pull each other down out of jealousy or fear of their success. You are not used for sole purpose of filling insecurities in the other person. You are always shown how valued, precious and appreciated you are in the every day mundane things. I was a fool once to believe that good would come from those who saw how much I gave.
You cannot be the only person putting in all the work, time and effort to build this and work on it. That if you are a neat and tidy person and the other half of you isn’t, things will not go well, you will not see eye to eye and they will not feel the need to. Yes, people can change but I’ve seen not many do and the rare people that do are usually in a toxic relationship with someone who is quite content drawing everything from the other who gives.
Don’t settle for someone who will drag you down and pull you back or expect you give your portion and theirs to make it work. If you’re draft horse be yoked with a draft horse, meaning if you’re motivated and driven be with someone who is like you, you’re on the same path and page about everything and work out the details in between. Don’t be the hard worker who settles for a sloth, while you pull their weight and yours and this suits them just fine. Understand they don’t love you, they love what you can do for them. This is not being equally yoked.
Who are connected to can change the course we choose to lead.
Esoteric Realms 