Don’t Say Yes.

There’s something that always surprises me, maybe because I will always try and give people a chance to prove themselves, to be who they say they are but there is always a bitter truth revealed in the end. This kind of person believes in themselves and their actions even if these actions are not heartfelt or genuine. They are just doing the work to say they did it, they use it to control your emotions and to make you feel guilty for ever questioning their actions and beliefs centred on them. They will complain, a lot OR alternatively, create a truly negative environment for themselves and those around them. Their emotions will drive a dagger into your heart and soul, and their words drive a wedge between you and those people or things you care about most.

I really believe the first thing that brings this sudden ‘snap’ on their behalf is the need to do. They ‘do’ to prove they ‘are’ when we all really know they aren’t who they pretend to be. They feel like they have to in an almost self forced way achieve complements from others and ownership over others. The second thing I believe that follows is now their action and ulterior motive has been questioned or revealed and this breeds contempt, anger and frustration. They truly believe they are never at fault and to take responsibility is ludicrous. They will play a card as old as time and begin to behave in a way that is based on their belief of proactivity on their end and not reciprocation on yours. They will actually begin to show their true thought and wonder as to why no one is giving them the help they need or why no one is praising them as much as they think they deserve. Again, it’s in their mind, their thoughts that they create this darkness that becomes a cloud over their thoughts, minds, actions, feelings and it begins to seep into their environment drawing people away.

I truly feel the simple solution to all of this is for them to stop doing things because they think they have to or say they want to. This need to ‘do’ is a really unhealthy relationship with the need to be seen as a good person but at the same time they begin to feed and fester the need to be recognised or alternatively and usually, their superiority in how their actions define them as a person. After all they are the ones doing it, right or wrong attitude. I think this something we all get caught up in even if it is not to this extent of narcissism. This need to do right but become very bitter very quickly and no one ever really has the right attitude when it comes to helping others or long suffering.

Everyone will participate to be seen there in the moment but their heart is not in the right state. So why say YES when you should say NO? Whether it’s religious upbringings, forceful parents, the need to be recognised as good. Either one, it doesn’t make it right. Don’t do things in your life because you have to but because you genuinely want to and that you know life is going to be difficult and tiring but you still have a great positivity and grounding to your life that you are giving back to those around you, you are in fact really helping but bringing that ease to someone else’s life not to be recognised or praised but because you understand it’s about giving and not receiving.

Our lives can be so centred on our selves. All we think about is how WE feel, what WE want, what WE need when in fact we should be thinking about how much we struggle and suffer and how much more we should be helping those who are going through hardships because we know first hand what it is like. Having the right attitude before entering into a situation can change the outcome and experience for everyone. If you hold the mindset that everyone should be checking on me and knowing how I am, you’re prioritising the wrong thing. Ask some one else genuinely how they are and listen, don’t talk unless you really know what to say that will help not hinder.

It really does upset me when people can create their environment but they don’t take responsibility for what exactly they create. They either can be of the ‘no-responsibility’ mind set, it’s not my fault I’m like this but yours or the ‘simply so driven to destroy any good around them in the name of self righteousness’ mindset, we end up with more hurt people than helped people. I think a lot of people base their self justification on their emotions, the ‘it’s all me’ party and don’t care genuinely for others even thought they can fake a smile or act ‘normal’ or ‘happy’ around others and easily fool others because no one really looks any deeper. It’s the behind the scenes some people miss.

Like I said, it really bothers me that people can say one thing and do another. It’s a lie and lying annoys me. I feel like there would be a lot of writings out there religious, spiritual, philosophical speaking out against this sort of behaviour but I feel like the best way to describe it is this:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Philippians 2:3-4 New International Version (NIV)

So the next time you decide to help someone, ask yourself: Am I doing this for me or for them? Do I understand this is not about me and my emotions or thoughts but about bringing help to others? Am I serving my highest good or their needs? Sometimes all we really needs is a little more love and compassion, selflessness and kindness, understanding and patience. Leave your ideas at the door and step out in a more positive, loving way. I think we all have enough negativity around us we don’t need to breed in it our own lives and affect those around us.

May 15, 2019

The devil inside

There is a sadness that can’t be beat, this constant reminder of what was. There is a brokenness that can’t be fixed and a loneliness that can’t be cured. Lingering thoughts of regret plague my mind and I am constantly reminded that time cannot be revisited and all I’ve lost along the way. I wish could be better than what I was and I wish I could fix this thought but it will never let me go. Between four walls I cannot escape the constant reminder of silence in absence of those who pretend to always be here. There is no more.

I have lost everything but my physical attendance to the sunrising, I may as well be a bird whose wings have been severed. I have been humiliated in a nakedness, left to lay bare. How can one made for such glory be found so weakly and refused. Rejected and broken with no where to go and forsaken by those who proclaim they love you. It will happen in this life, this lonely existence that only you can try to fix what is now broken but nothing can ever be the same again.

I wish there was fair warning but there was nothing, just betrayal and abandonment. It all got taken from my grasp, I was unprepared. Nothing can prepare you for a life of regret or those who keep you down. We get left with a broken mind, a broken heart and a broken spirit. The is such a brokenness that exists and it’s not of our own doing, yet we are to take the responsibility of what was done to us. We didn’t ask for this, we didn’t beg for this, we didn’t foresee this.

No one comes into this world prepared for the wickedness ahead. How do you win at random selection to have a life that is divine and beneficial to wellbeing. We do not control those around us but as the ones who are brought in, we are controlled indeed. We do our best and our best just is never satisfactory. You will never win at their games, you will be made out to be a fool for believing in a greater hope to just be. They will never leave to your peace and they will ensure your suffering is long and your time becomes short.

So we enjoy our time alone and our lives that are now void, we are so broken and don’t know where to turn but it’s all okay because that’s just what we do, we suffer at the hands of those who are pretentious and hollow. They have no more capacity to them then an empty balloon. They will wither and fade and we will remain strong in our broken spirit, our survival in our strength to find one glimpse of hope for love and safety. That we should no longer suffer at that hands of those who lay in waiting for us to stumble into their traps, to fall victim in their games.

May 15, 2019

Don’t let the broken, shatter.

There is a brokenness inside me, it’s so heavy. I wish I could explain how much pain it brings me daily. It’s like heavy chains around my feet and I’ve been left to sink into the depths of sadness and despair. I’m pretty good at pretending that I forget sometimes where my face starts and where my mask ends. It turns me into a person who people pretend to care about based on their need. The guarantee is that I’m always there for them and they can promise they can never be there for me.

It works for me this pain I bare to everyone who is so blind to see. In their comfort zones I’m extradited and yet somehow fully aware. Promises of nothing and no one are preferred it’s potential to carry truth is finally there. No one pretending to matter or fake care. It works better for me, this understanding that I can bleed my life for them while their thirst for life is somewhat satisfied.

Pretending everything is okay is the best part, it means I’ve changed my mask again and that is an important part to this pain charade. You can’t have the same mask twice as they get bored and you don’t want to bore them. They will ignore you like their acknowledgement matters to your existence. So you better smile before you think twice.It doesn’t matter what you say or do they will always be the same. Talk about you behind your back and spread every little lie, letting them flourish and grow to brandish your good name. It doesn’t matter though they hunt in groups, that’s how they gain their strength. Without the masses to believe they’d just be a one man army with a megaphone.

So hear ye, hear ye all around hear my plea and cry, that if you know some one who suffers don’t leave them there to die. Be there for them no matter what, forsake yourself for once. Put another first and break the chain.

We can once and for all, altogether, finish this cycle of brokenness, darkness and pain.

April 5, 2019May 15, 2019

A Symbiotic Relationship with a Two-Faced Monster

There is an evil that lies beneath the surface, yet hides in plain sight. You can see it unless it wants you to. It will only show its true face when it decides it wants total control and domination over you when it decides it’s time for you to die. You won’t realise it at first and you won’t know what signs and clues to look for, yet they will all be there right in front of you. You will begin to second guess everything you do and it will ensure you please it. you will believe that everything you do isn’t enough and soon you will believe you’re not good enough.

It will sneak in slowly at first like poison but you will not feel its bite. It will seep into every last inch of you until it has completely taken over. It will infiltrate your mind, how you think and soon how you feel. It will no longer be an outward expression but total domination of your very soul. Soon it will crush you like a snake, with a weight you’ve never known. It will consume you and it will not protect you from the prey you’ve become. You will no longer move, you will no longer breath. Soon you will be nothing.

It is a parasite that seeks a host, a host with good intentions and a clear conscience. It will turn that around and soon you will begin to be drained of any life or emotion you may have once had. It becomes sinking sand, the more you struggle and fight the quicker you sink. It will devour you and it will enjoy it. You will no longer function as freely as you once did, it will take everything from you. Don’t pretend like you can’t see it because it will come for you.

You are there for it but it is not there for you. It may seem that it pays attention to you, it may want you, but it’s not actually YOU that it’s after. It only wants what is inside of you, to destroy and consume the real YOU. If you want to conquer this beast you must play its game, you must shut yourself down and look you away. You must play dead because what fun is there of the snake if the mouse isn’t alive. They live for the thrill of the hunt, to hunt you down and take the very essence of who you are away from you like they made you in the first place.

Remind yourself daily, you are not alive for them and they do belong in your life. If they know you are kind you will be seen as weak, you will let down your walls and let only pure evil in. They live to hurt you it gives them great joy to know you are weak and ruined. They now will be seen as greater than you, they will ensure others see your pain. They will mock you for your kindness and sacrifice, they will steal from you. Don’t feed into their words, and look them in eye. You will see all you need to behind the mask from which they try to hide.

So if you want to live and tell the tale of the two-faced monster, don’t engage them, don’t entice them and most certainly don’t let them in your life. They will come for you, unless you know how to catch them in their own lies, to cut the head from the snake and burn them, they will make sure you never win. No one will believe you when you’ve seen their true form, their real monstrosity. You will be hurt and angry, soon to be seen as a liar because only you will have know their true form to know the truth. So don’t take it personally, just walk away and ensure you are become dead to them because only then will you be truly free.