Today I was intentional with what I needed to meditate on, what was the one thing I was going to encourage myself with. As I closed my eyes, a clear voice in me said: “Become the wave.” There formed a picture in my mind of me standing in front of a giant wave. The wave had always represented something I was trying to resist, something I was fearful of because of how great it was and soon the picture changed from me face the wave to me turning my back to it and becoming embraced by it. It was a powerful image. I was no longer in fear of something so powerful but I was embracing myself, I was learning to stop trying to fight myself and resist my own greatness but instead, let it wash over me and embrace it.
Sometimes in quiet and stillness the truth is revealed and other times it’s just waiting for us to be open enough to listen and let it speak. I have resisted myself for a long time, another bad habit formed over years and years of being forcefully crushed in submission and broken into their order and that I might fit into someone else’s will. Yet here I am, as empowered as ever again by me. That the inner me knew it needed to never give up on the outer me. That two halves become a whole once again. Many times I got told to be quiet, many times I was scolded for telling the truth, many times the truth was pushed to be forgotten and every time I was made to feel wrong in every sense. That everything I was, was broken down, crushed and laid to waste by those who didn’t approve of my ability to keep being my authentic self. It didn’t sit well with them that I could face adversity as I did and still keep going, especially when they were the ones to cause me the greatest harm.
So you see, if you have those around you and it’s a constant fear to face giants, take a moment to seek the truth and it shall find you. It will tell you that, you, are in fact the giant, the victor, the glory holder and you are to not be intimidated or made fearful of anyone or anything.
Instead of feeling like you’re facing a giant, embrace the fact you are the giant. Change your mind, your perspective and understanding. You no longer face adversity but embrace it.
I watched a show last night about teenage girls locked in a Juvenile Prison in America, it was very interesting in a way I wan’t to share with you all. It started out the same, portraying these young girls aged 15 onwards as silly people making silly choices. They would talk about their childhood with a recurring theme of how they all needed their mums, their dad was absent, left or living their own selfish desires while they abandon their child. These girls talked a lot about how maybe they wouldn’t have ended up there if their dad was around when they needed him or their mother wasn’t a drug addicted and incarcerated. The sad part is there where also girls who had adoptive parents or their mother and step father who really, dearly, truly loved them with total devotion and heartbreak, begging them to never go back there and live a better life.
The more I watched, the more the truth unfolded. Patterns were forming and it seemed like a familiar story but what they didn’t expect was their guard to come down and thats when it began to sink in. At the tender age of 12 and 13 their choices began to change they began to change, not physically but emotionally. We become a new being searching for our own identity, trying to form and create ourselves based on a strength we never knew we had to do so. We begin to make our own decisions and our sense of independence grows deeper every day with every waking moment define something new for us. These young women were trying so hard to fit into their mothers role they had seen be acted out for so long. A life of drugs and crime. They tried their best to keep their cards hidden, but being so young they were still in this middle ground of child and young woman and they couldn’t fool anyone else let alone themselves. Their emotions were so raw and real and that kept them vulnerable to be moulded and change.
There was a need there, that they tried so hard to fill with drugs, crime and friends who made them feel more alive than their own parents ever did. Yet at the same time, they really began to crack and the truth could be seen behind every weak lie. They needed their mum and dad to love them, more than anyone or anything. There were girls who were taken in by grandparents, adoptive parents or foster parents because their own biological parents weren’t around and did more harm to them, turning them into a rage that could not be tamed than a decent person trying their best. That’s fair though, wouldn’t you be angry too if you went through what they endured at the hands of their own parent? There was the rare parent who did change their life around, stay out of prison, stay clean and when asked about their daughter, they cried. There was also the one parent who really tried their best, all they did was try give their child a right upbringing and when they were in Juvenile Prison, they would speak life over the child through a devotional prayer book for parents whilst on their way to work.
Amongst the sea of sadness and lost hope there was one girl who stood out the most. She handed herself in because she felt she had a debt to pay. Something that wasn’t even her fault, that she was genuinely not guilty of, could not forgive herself until she felt she had fully righted her wrong and placed herself into a situation she didn’t belong in. She tried to encourage others while in Juvenile Prison to make better choices, just let things goes and work on themselves. They had every opportunity to do so with teachers and facilities that would jumpstart them into a better, more promising future for them to succeed.
These girls were seeking an identity. They were trying so hard be something they weren’t and you could see it eating away at them with every lie they tried to hide their real true face. They constantly created this persona that they were the baddest, angriest most irrational person you shouldn’t mess with. This was a definite mechanism for protection, from all the times everyone in their life crossed boundaries they shouldn’t have, so in response to this, they had to protect themselves the only way they knew how, a lot of shouting and retaliation. Yet, when gently corrected you could see it fade immediately, that a hurt child was still in there, hoping that someone would stay long enough to see this through with them just long enough to get them to a new starting point in their life. You could see the variety of outcomes and responses, what nurtured this behaviour and the following outcome and consequence. The parents who did care could see the path they were choosing and how it was changing their child, even if the child didn’t realise. Being so young, they did not see the bigger picture. There will a time in their life and they will have all of this to look back on and I feel only regret and pain would be felt in that moment for them.
It all made sense. We do things to hurt others and in turn hurts us, we also do things to hurt ourselves on purpose. We as humans have this tendency to respond out of fear which was something they learned to do, quite well in fact. Now whether it was from being abused, boundaries not respected or fear of their parents response to an action, they were in this constant response mode activated by fear. It was this root that could be seen to lay bare for all, that the slightest inconvenience triggered their fear response resulting in anger and frustration even when they didn’t need to behave like that anymore. All the girls needed to hear was that they were put here on Earth for a reason and they are so valuable and they all really needed to hear it from the one social worker who never stopped trying to help them. The problem is for many of us we deny ourselves our try fate and destiny by deny our true identity. We take the hatred, abandonment and failure of those we depended on most and project that as we are the hated, abandoned, failure whom no one will love without a condition attached or some sort of unfair trade of give and take.
Who are we to take the identity of another person, what message does this send to anyone? We have no right to this as much as no one has a right to steal what you are and who you are. We tend to place ourselves in neat and tidy boxes to comprehend our lifestyle choices but we aren’t made for those boxes, we are far greater and we need to start listening to our inner self to hear it and then to trust it and then, follow through with it’s wise instruction. You know it’s right when it scares you, or so I have found because we are so afraid of the “what if” in every scenario usually revolving around failure or the permission we think we need to seek to approve our choice for us. These were not habits we were born with we were born with a heart beat that pumped before we thought, so we lived before we could act. Maybe trusting our heart before an action is the way it’s meant to be.
We can trust in ourselves. Sometimes we need to allow ourselves to stop living as if we still have these shadows that hang over us, defining our success, failure, choice and thoughts. That this time we choose our own truth, that we step out from everyones boxed categorisation and irrelevant opinion and we decide to follow through with who we actually are and not who they want us to be. Reality is when we are so young we need good guidance to help us listen and learn, to find our true inner voice and follow the path we desire, one that we can look back on and say “wow, I did it.” Not “why did I choose this.” So if you are standing at a crossroads looking back, decide to do what you feared the most and learn to accept your strengths and weaknesses. If you’re at the beginning, find someone you trust who really does love you and will help you buld your confidence to believe in yourself to achieve your goals, visions, dreams and truly succeed.
There is an evil that lies beneath the surface, yet hides in plain sight. You can see it unless it wants you to. It will only show its true face when it decides it wants total control and domination over you when it decides it’s time for you to die. You won’t realise it at first and you won’t know what signs and clues to look for, yet they will all be there right in front of you. You will begin to second guess everything you do and it will ensure you please it. you will believe that everything you do isn’t enough and soon you will believe you’re not good enough.
It will sneak in slowly at first like poison but you will not feel its bite. It will seep into every last inch of you until it has completely taken over. It will infiltrate your mind, how you think and soon how you feel. It will no longer be an outward expression but total domination of your very soul. Soon it will crush you like a snake, with a weight you’ve never known. It will consume you and it will not protect you from the prey you’ve become. You will no longer move, you will no longer breath. Soon you will be nothing.
It is a parasite that seeks a host, a host with good intentions and a clear conscience. It will turn that around and soon you will begin to be drained of any life or emotion you may have once had. It becomes sinking sand, the more you struggle and fight the quicker you sink. It will devour you and it will enjoy it. You will no longer function as freely as you once did, it will take everything from you. Don’t pretend like you can’t see it because it will come for you.
You are there for it but it is not there for you. It may seem that it pays attention to you, it may want you, but it’s not actually YOU that it’s after. It only wants what is inside of you, to destroy and consume the real YOU. If you want to conquer this beast you must play its game, you must shut yourself down and look you away. You must play dead because what fun is there of the snake if the mouse isn’t alive. They live for the thrill of the hunt, to hunt you down and take the very essence of who you are away from you like they made you in the first place.
Remind yourself daily, you are not alive for them and they do belong in your life. If they know you are kind you will be seen as weak, you will let down your walls and let only pure evil in. They live to hurt you it gives them great joy to know you are weak and ruined. They now will be seen as greater than you, they will ensure others see your pain. They will mock you for your kindness and sacrifice, they will steal from you. Don’t feed into their words, and look them in eye. You will see all you need to behind the mask from which they try to hide.
So if you want to live and tell the tale of the two-faced monster, don’t engage them, don’t entice them and most certainly don’t let them in your life. They will come for you, unless you know how to catch them in their own lies, to cut the head from the snake and burn them, they will make sure you never win. No one will believe you when you’ve seen their true form, their real monstrosity. You will be hurt and angry, soon to be seen as a liar because only you will have know their true form to know the truth. So don’t take it personally, just walk away and ensure you are become dead to them because only then will you be truly free.
Esoteric Realms 