Esoteric Realms

I will give you everything, 100% in every area of need and yet when I need you, where are to meet me. How can they say that I am needy or high maintenance when all I do is give and all they do is receive. How come they can turn on me at any given moment whether I speak the truth or joke around. I am constantly under attack and the more I look in detail up close as they do I begin to see this pattern of abuse. Clothed in lies and false pretence, here I am alone, honest and whole in love. Yet I do not receive this.

Why is it so hard for you to love me, to give me what I know I deserve. To give your whole being to me, to give me 100%. Is this a breach of trust or string of disappointments? I would know this because you do this me too. Not just you but many have let me down and failed. The conquest they seemed so ready, they didn’t bother to prevail. So here I am waiting for someone to arise, who will love me wholly, completely from sundown to sunrise.

Again, once more to live my life day in and out with you, is the greatest dream I have ever dreamt and yet is to come true. So again I hope once more whoever reads will prevail, in their conquest of love and life. Let them be the wind that fills your sails and you would be forever more their provider fulfilling every desire. To give and receive, we couldn’t work within loves rules any other way. We must always abide by them, respect everything it has to say.

Trust me when I tell you, it is better to give than it is to receive because when you give you succeed, succeed in sacrifice, something no one wants to do, but how can we receive it if no one gives of them self for it. How can love exist if it we fail to bring it into existence, the power lies within out action.

I just want to be loved. I want to find and keep it. Never let you go, never let me go. It’s never going to grow old or be easy but it’s better than this. Better than nothing. Who doesn’t crave the safety and security of another being, who doesn’t love the tenderness and being loved? Who wouldn’t want this emotion of pure satisfaction?

I know I do more than anything, I yearn for it. I long for it. I pray for you every day to be in my life loving me and only me. You make me feel safe and secure and protected. Not vulnerable and alone and forsaken in agony and pain all the time. I wouldn’t suffer because you’d protect me always form every word or action. Your love would be the shield and sword. 

I wish I was beautiful or talented or strong within myself. Instead, I am breakable, bendable and too basic. I don’t feel important, I don’t get treated well, I have low self-esteem from all these outside voices telling me how ugly I am, how fat I am, how my body isn’t perfect.

I get reminded how I have no skill, I have no life or job or anything. I am trapped being a slave to others, building them up only. I don’t know who I am or what my worth or value is or if I am worthy of love or if anyone would ever really love me deeply. Yet I hope every day that I am beautiful and worthy of love to someone, that I would have friends closer than family and their families would love me, that I’d be so welcomed and accepted and protected for once I wouldn’t feel alone anymore. I’d know I’m not alone anymore, I’d have value and id be loved by everyone.

Though here I am, unwanted, unloved and told time and again, shown over and over I have no value or worth.

I am just empty. From everyone.

I will never be like you, I’ll never walk like you, talk like you do. You constantly try to make me feel inferior to you because I don’t look like you on the outside or the inside.

I’ve been treated like crap and told I look ‘less than’ by people who I made feel safe and secure. I was constantly having a reinforcement of how unsatisfactory I was, yet they failed to see themselves as anything less than perfection. I honestly hate you for who you are because who I am has been ripped away and I have nothing left. I am bare and broken.

Bleeding out, I need a life again and almost reaching and succeeding I get pushed back time and time again. Defeated. I lay unnerved, just waiting for all of this to be over. I don’t feel anything, I don’t care for anything. I know what I want and I keep it close to the last part of my beating heart. The only thing left of me, but I promise you all I will never look like you.

I will never allow myself to be covered in darkness, consuming those around me who love me. I will never be the blood shed of pain and suffering from actions and words driven by anger and jealousy. I will never be so ugly I would speak out such profanities about others. I will not be dragged down by your semi-shallow standard of presentation and falsehood. I will not allow your words to consume my thoughts, filling my mind with lies and confusion, trying to convince me I am skin deep in worth. Then my skin deep is not acceptable, but yours exceeds all expectations.

Anxiety is like electricity. I’m fully charged and I can’t sleep. Yet at the same time, depression has become so dull that it no longer hurts and I feel nothing. How can it be because of you that I can be rendered so numb yet feel it all? How can it be my mind overflows and yet is so empty? How is it that you are able to put this on me and yet I would never do this to anyone else. Is it because I know how it feels and you don’t. Is it because of you numb to the reality of loving and feeling and creating that your words and actions produce such evil fruit? Is it because you feel stronger when you try and take my power away from me.

Are you alive yet, are you greater, do you thrive off others misfortune? How is it that you innocently exist in your mind and justify through your actions a single decision that can destroy another. Are you proud of yourself, of what you have achieved? Do you believe you exist and have a greater presence? Are you looking in a mirror and seeing the only perfection while trying to destroy all that is truly alive and beautiful. Are you insecure or afraid? Are you petrified of the truth? Can you ever know the truth or will you present your own righteousness to an unfair jury presented by you? Is this your means to an end, a sense of joy from agony. Do you breathe in the air of despair and rejoice in the sadness. Am I presented as a sacrifice or destroyed as your enemy.

We do not see eye to eye but who can when all you see is you, in all your false glory and praised lies. Pretending to be me, to be good, to be whole. You are a split and rip in a time of my life and have devoured so much into a black hole I fear I may never return from the regret of ever giving you any second chance or love. So here I am. Alone in the dark, comforted by silence and knowing no one can hurt me if I’m safe in nights embrace. Until morning. So should I see it through, I will not sleep because of you. 

Sometimes it feels like when I talk, I ’m talking to an empty room. An empty room with listening ears, ears listening ready to pounce on every word I say. Ears ready to listening to judge and not hear. That every word I speak is not worthy of your praise but garbage to be destroyed. That every time I speak I feel it creeping up upon me ready to consume me, the fear of judgment placed and eyes filled with cruel intentions, tongues filled with more poison than a snake.

Yet here I am trying to utter every word I believe should be heard, every word to help grow another, every word to breathe an air of understanding. That here we are standing toe to toe on a battlefield filled with clouds of judgment, suffocating from the toxic nature of your gain. Yet here I am fighting against the fog and holding onto to my words like a lamp unto my own feet to fight the good fight and trust that others too would speak out. Collectively we would become one light that shines through all the darkness. That we are in fact the many and you are the few.

That we are in fact victorious and you are no longer.

That we will rise from our ashes and become reborn with the fire inside.

That we may light one another. That we become baptised by holy fires.

We may never cease or seek rest here but take all who need rest and those who are weary and bring them to life. As we were once dead so we bring them back to life. Let it be known that we are the travellers who find shelter and refuge nowhere here but in the arms of one who provides the fire.

Shame can be many things, it can be on you or me. It can be a shame or it can be shameful but what it can’t be is an expression that once spoken, will ever be taken back. You have now become something so lowly because of careless words and hurtful emotions.

You are more than this even though you feel it. Even if you feel ashamed of yourself or others, even if your behaviour or their behaviour is really shameful, even if they say shame on you, you. You alone decide who and what defines you. Shame has no place in our lives because it will eat away at us, like the erosion of rock from waves crashing up them.

Yet it’s always the people who should be ashamed of their actions who tell us we are in fact the ones who are the shame. Why must we shame each other and pull each other down? Why must we push someone into a place where they get picked apart when they’ve done no wrong? Why must we continue to speak these words out over each other?

I think they enjoy the act of shaming. Telling someone they’re inferior because when it comes down to pin pointing the real issues, they try to deflect from themselves instead of reflecting from their actions.

You are their scapegoat that takes the blame and bears their shame. You say nothing and you continue to hurt from their actions and words. How do we end this cycle of verbal abuse? How do we stop shame?

We are the creators of life and death with our words, especially over those who need us the most. Don’t be the person who takes away from someones greatness and whole self. Lets be the people who build each other up and allow each other to grow. Le us be the ones who support and cherish them in every season in their existence and let us have these people in our own lives.

I had been experimenting with this recipe for mousse for quite some time until I learnt the importance of technique to achieve what I wanted. This smells like milo and tastes like mint choc, it is definitely a favourite in our home. All it is – egg, cream and @wellnaturallyau mint chocolate and is keto and carnivore lifestyle friendly.

Recipe Instructions:

1 egg, about 1/2 cup or 1 cup of pure cream or thickened cream (depends on your taste) and you’ll want to stir it over a low heat until it begins to thicken. Once it’s at the thickness you like, add in the chocolate of your choice and keep stirring until its completely melted. Put into ramekins and let it cool, then put in the fridge for at least 30 minutes, best overnight. You can add vanilla bean if you prefer.

It took me a few test runs to get it right, the most important step is slowly thickening the cream and egg and stirring it with a spatula.

FOLLOW ME ON ONEOFTHREE3 @ Instagram to see the recipe picture and video.

How does one voice bring to light so much in such a little space? How do you make me feel life through your words? Spoken or written, you know to corrupt my emotion. You turn my soul into a dancer. I fell and now I’m lifted from the darkness. I couldn’t see, now I’m floating on a rainbow river in the sky. Lifted. I feel life.

In my darkness, it pulls me from the depths. Hitting rock bottom, you stopped me from hitting. I trust you to pull me back to life and then to the after. My soul exited my body and began to see time. Floating past you I knew I was free. Freedom from you and freedom from me, freedom from the cages I built around myself. Trust you to take me away on this journey, I don’t where I am going but I know we’re going away from where the pain was. Your words are not sharp, they save me from the life of agony and pretentious snobs.

No one tires of your view, trust me my view is great from down here. Not really. Music you dance me, lyrics you soothe me. Strings you strum me and drums you rattle me. The truth is how could I live without you. Only you jumpstart my heart from the weight that once crushed me.

So play me once more the song of freedom, the song for my weary heart. Play me the tune of my own people, the tribe where love reigns and freedom lives. Play me your hearts song, sing to me the tune of your love. Paint a picture in my mind of where I can be.

Where my story restarts or continues. I will leave it behind to fly away. Wings I never grew, you take me away from all this pain and loneliness and yet here I am, return ticket. I don’t want this. Just one way, please. Train, plane or automobile. Give me my wings, keys or wheels to run away and go farther than I ever have before.

Take me to a place where I have no memory of you. It’s problematic, here I am, alone again. Looking for a love where I feel warmth and company. Surrounded by people and never full, who are you. I don’t know, I don’t care. I just want to fly as far from this feeling but as long as I’m surrounded by all these bringers of fear and pain, no love or real truth. Just pain for now and then to board the boat on an ocean of disappointment to arrive at a new dock filled with more pain. Walls surround me, I’m trapped. They have faces, they have names but they don’t care for mine. They don’t care for me. They don’t care if they break my already fragile heart.

So it begins like the rotation of the earth, this continuing cycle that I can’t seem to shake. Fear of loneliness and fear of never being truly loved and accepted. Who will like me so I no longer have to run into a life I don’t want? I will no longer feel like I have to escape, I will be able to fly freely and not from fear. Save me.

Buy me a ticket to the place where love lives, where warmth dances on my skin and my heart is full to the brim, ready to overflow from you.