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The Epic Beginning.

Every great story has an origin story, I mean who hasn’t heard of Batman or Wolverine. Every comic book edition explains their epic origin story usually involving some tragic death and epic montage of how they became who they are, some cool costume to impress the ladies *winks with both eyes* and WEAPONS! Well, this is mine except the deaths are a little alive and the only montage you’ll get of me, your hero, is my attempt at getting into problematic situations and then running away from them. I’m just your average thirty something year old. Studying Molecular Biology specialising in genetics and mutations, which is my FAVOURITE, thanks Spidey. I have my own place and it’s pretty rad, I try to keep it pretty chill between my figurines, comic books and posters of Wonder Woman, what? She kicks ass. ANYWAYS. Things have been different for a while to say the least and for you guys to get why I’m so chill about Zombies hanging around outside my window, running around the streets like a loss puppy, the kind of lost puppy that will give you rabies if bitten mind you. We gotta start with the beginning.

It was a day like any other, I get up, usually woken up by my pal Felix, he’s my cat so to speak. He’s actually my clock from when I was kid. My landlord wont let me have any animals but he’s a prick. You can’t sneeze without his permission. Enough about him, back to me. So I get my breakfast, off brand cereal, it’s cheap but it tastes the same. Shower without using all the hot water and brush my teeth. Probably should tame this mad mop on my head but I like the way it curls, it reminds me of my mums hair, before all this Zombie Fever Happened. One last look at this handsome mug and out the door I go. I was about to lock up and I hear this really weird banging from Steves room which was unfortunately opposite mine, lucky me.

I kept hearing this gagging and gasping for air and was like, “is this it? Has Mrs. Dee from down the hall cracked it?” Mrs. Dee was the nicest lady ever, she was like our mum and always had something to share with us. Her husband had passed a few years ago but we all came together from it. The two of them had travelled from Greece when they were young for work. Mrs Dianopolous was her full name but she loved the nickname Mrs. Dee, she said it made her feel like we were her family giving her a pet name. She is a pretty special, but scary when she needs to be lady. Steve had issues with Mrs. Dee all to do with her rent, of course. She didn’t get any help from anyone and still tried to pay all her bills, we all tried to help her out but she was stubborn and set on it doing herself, we all would do it on the sly though, mostly to piss of Steve but also more mostly, we loved that Greek woman, her hearty laughter when she’d reminisce and most importantly, her Baklava. She always had a fresh batch just oozing on her favourite wedding plate.

The gagging turned to silence, I thought yes, knock out! but being the good boy my mother raised me to be I could hear her voice telling me to check on douchebag Steve, usually I just hear her voice in my head but this time there was another voice, maybe it was my own. Maybe I had an epiphany and knew for some reason I should concern myself with the wellbeing of Steve or maybe I just wanted to see him get his, either way I was about to stickybeak. I crouched down on all fours on the floor and looked under the door way. I couldn’t see anything but to ensure my mothers nagging voice I kept looking, honestly I don’t know why. I and everyone else couldn’t care less if Steve got taken out, he was a douche. He was mean to everyone, he had a mouth you’d wanna just sucker punch, only when he opened it to talk though. Oh My GOD. The endless words so full of *insert poo emoji x 3*. UGH. I blinked and the next second I heard something moving about quite heavily in there. I could see Steve, he was walking really weirdly, stumbling and kinda growling. Two black shoes now stood at the door, the same door I was stupidly crouched down at. I can hear really broken breathing, Steve had no problem with asthma, so this was new. He stared to sniff, oh my god, why am I still at this door. I couldn’t move, half paralysed by fear, half curious about what the hell he was on. The doorknob startle to jiggle and he started to bash up against the door. I swore a lot and needed a new pair of pants after that but I raced back to my room, locking to door behind me. NO WAY, I thought, NO *expletive* WAY.

So, you know how I said I was studying Molecular Biology, well, I had an internship there too. I spent all my time taking in as much information I could get and putting in extra time for research, got to know everyone who worked there, all but one. Mark Reynholm. The Mark Reynholm. He was fourth generation Reynholm Industry and Research, they owned pretty much half the town, guess what it’s called, yep, Lake Makatoaw, City of Lakes. You thought I was going somewhere with that weren’t you? What can I say, I like to keep things fresh. Okay, okay enough with the semantics. So Mark, top dog, he never came in ever except one day, the one day I had taken of to talk to my girlfriend, Marlene. She was super sweet and I called her Marzelpan, like Marzipan? Yeah? no.. okay. She is real, she’s just.. online, but she is the next town over. Oh God, is this catfish. JUST JOKING, we skype WITH the video ON. Anyways, we were talking about her weekend and she just looks at me and says, ‘oh god! how are you not freaking out right now?” in her perfect you’re a dumbass kinda way, yeah she keeps me on my toes. “I was like what? What are going on about you perfect angel?” She was all like, “MARK REYNHOLM DIPSHIT. He is in your lab or whatever!” in her perfectly angelic voice. Needless to say I love this woman for two reasons, she tells me how it is and she remembers things for me. I had research to present to Mark as the top honour student, yeah my father was a genius and I think inherited at least that from him. It was about the possibility of cell mutation within a human to prevent rapid aging and cell decline. The usual Saturday night conversation piece, simple and easy.

I kissed this woman via the laptop screen, don’t judge me, grabbed the keys to my shitbox corolla and rolled outta there like Vin Diesel in Fast 8. There was a lot of swearing and speeding but I made it, just in time to decontaminate, change and meet the group of special high achievers like myself, in the Viewing Auditorium. The Viewing Auditorium was the cool place where we could watch different researchers come in and share how they achieved their contribution to the society of curing disease. This time, I was graced by the present of the almighty, Mr. Reynholm. There stood an average sized man, hair combed back into a state of dapper. He was a normal man in a really expensive suit but inside his brain was a wealth of knowledge and secrets only one dare to dream about. Hello everyone, he said in his perfect man voice, turns out he was the embodiment of the voice overs for the movie intros. “As I’m sure you’re all aware I’m Mark Reynholm and I’m very excited to see all your presentations and if one of you is successful you will be chosen to come and work at Reyhnolm Research where you will be able to grow as individuals and shape the future”. He literally said that, pretentious but revolutionary. We all had a chance to show Mark our presentations and theories, why we, college students, felt they worked and prayed he’d be impressed enough to say, “You there have been chosen”, cue angels singing.

My turn felt like it came and went, I messed up information and was sure I stuffed it right up, but Mr. Reynholm looked at me and made a face that I could only make out as intrigued. Oh god, could it be, my research and extra time had paid off. He whispered to his tight lip assistant and after the presentations were over called me aside. Jake, he called, everyone looked around, who in the hell was, oh. He got my name wrong, probably on purpose to ensure we all knew how powerful he was and he could call us whatever he wanted. Being the hate the world kinda guy I said there is no Jake, in the most punk ass tone. He looked at me and said, “You. Come with me” in his commanding tone. I shat my pants that day, hypothetically *cough cough* yeah. I was trembling to say the least, I had no idea what he wanted but he obviously felt my theory on anti-aging was important enough to listen to let alone try and say my name wrong. Yeah I’m still kind of bitter about it. He took me back to his office where he asked me to hand in my assignment, for thorough improvement and thanked me for my dedicated hard work, the usual bullshit. I was then excused and his wooden door shut behind me by that tight lipped assistant. This is were my crouching down and peering through doors began. I slipped my phone underneath the door just enough and I began to record their conversation, after a few minutes I heard Mark command the woman out and that was my cue to leave.

I made it back to my shit box and low and behold, there was a parking ticket. Best believe that went missing, must’ve been the wind. Thanks Mark. I sat in that car and began to listen, at first I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, then I thought maybe the knew I was recording and were taking the piss but the more I listened over and over, the more I realised my anti-aging was turning into an elixir of life, disease and death free. Right about now you’re probably think, you dumbass you gave your research to that prick, well you’d be right except for the fact I kept it on my trust usb, which was backed up to a floppy disc. You can never be too safe. Also the information on the floppy disc is my father and mothers life work. They were curing disease and death one tribe at a time. Everything they had on their was all field based, what worked and what didn’t. I only handed in the basic version and not enough for Mark or anyone to make something out of. Turns out I was wrong, but right. I’m currently trembling in my room because I’ve seen this before as a child. My parents were asked to visit a tribe who had an issue with the deceased, their bodies wouldn’t rest and their souls were somewhere here, somewhere there as the tribespeople described it. It terrified me but my mother whispered something to me, she said if I could just imagine lots of little cells inside our body, rapidly multiplying and all defective, we had nothing to be afraid of, because cells are cells, big or small. Like a rudder on a giant ship we can learn to control it. Thats why I do what I do, especially because of her.

I realised now Mark took my work knowing who I was, not because he knew I knew I was a badass molecular biologist and could let him live forever. He knew I had something to share, something he could use and weeks after he took my paper they had a press release talking about how successful trial runs were and they were able to provide eternal life, healing of diseases, defying death as they described it, to those who needed it. You’d think he was the return of Christ with his “I am here to provide the answer to life” or at least eternal youth, give me all your money, *laughs in millionaire*. This spiel which oozed self righteousness on the backs of others aka my parents life research and my hard work was nothing and he was a greedy bastard, at least my eyes anyway. He was here to make money of my defiled research. There was a lot of hand shaking and smiling, I turned the tv off at that point. Fast forward to now with wee running down my pants, I knew there was only was way to stop this, I had to stop Money Maker Mark, help douchebag Steve and stop mass production of this so called elixir of life. I was going to make my parents proud. Cue Superhero Music.

Oh SHITE, MARLENE!

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Finding Hope

Slowly, she opened her eyes. There was smoke and the smell of gunpowder, her head was foggy but things were soon to become clear. Kira woke to the shouting of men outside her cabin. Kira had been travelling the seas since her parents had disappeared on their last voyage looking for a new land. She had searched far and wide and now had wandered into uncharted waters. The risk was known of man and monsters, all of which she hoped where myth and children’s tales not to be met with ever on her journey. The shouting outside her cabin continued, she quickly dressed herself and peered through a hole in her door. She could see twelve men on the deck some were pillaging her supplies, others gathering her weapons and the rest stole her rations and water. Devastated by their piracy, she quickly made a plan to gather as many weapons, supplies and rations she had left in her room and make a break for the frigate.

Kira ready herself at her door, the only thing standing between her and the pirates. “On the count of three”, she told herself, “one, two…three!” Kira pushed her door open with all her might and began to run to the frigate, the pirate captain saw Kira and began shouting commands for the crew to take her as well. There was gun fire and fighting, Kira ran and pushed, kicked and shot her way out. There was the frigate, as she made her move for it, a man who was more beast than man adorned with many scars, one in particular that caught Kiras eye. It had travelled from the top of his skull and angled its way down to his chin, this was a terrifying sight but she had no time to be scared, she just needed to escape. The giant man began to make his way to her, grabbing rope and taking a knife from his baldric.

Kira quickly responded, she aimed her gun at the monstrous man, she shot once and missed, he leapt forward and caught her. Trying to tie her with one hand, holding his knife between his teeth, Kira began to kick her back into the man, fighting to get loose from his grip, Luckily she always carried a pocket knife. She struck his leg with the blade, he shouted and loosened his grip, this was her chance to shoot. Kira saw the large man fall to his knees, “you never bring a sword to a gun fight” muttered Kira. This was her moment, Kira leapt over the side holding on to a rope, she slid down and landed in the small boat. Cutting the rope, the boat fell free. It landed in the rocky sea and soon the waves began to throw the small boat around. Kira held on for dear life, with the little she had, she began to paddle away from her burning ship and from thieving pirates. She was soon far away from any known danger and staring into the harrowingly dark night sky.

Kira knew there was no way back and to go forward would be perilous but she had no choice, as long as she was alive she couldn’t wait for the tide to take her where she wanted to go, she needed to devise a new plan, one for survival. She pulled both oars in and lay down in the small boat, it was too late to make a plan and she felt that maybe for a minute there wasn’t such a need. The ocean is a big place and she had put enough distance between her and the pirates. With eyes closing, thoughts drifted, Kira prepared herself to accept her fate at the hand of the waves. Days passed and no one was to be seen, there was no land in sight and she had no food or water. All the while she noticed the currents changing, as of something was seeking her. Closing her eyes once again, she felt a change not only in the current but the very water itself. It became like water of the north but filled with the cold touch of death, only talked about in folktales.

She prayed it would not be the great monster of the deep. All children in Kiras small township had heard the stories told to sailors warning them to stay away form the deep waters. They were all about a one man in particular who was cursed by the protectors of the sea, he was filled with blood lust and envy and was never satisfied. Always wanting more and bringing death and destruction wherever he chose. The beings watched him and saw many spirits cross over, too many had suffered at his hand. Their patience tested by his deeds and by the powered by the many prayers and cries of those he destroyed, they placed a terrible curse upon him. They threw him to the bottom of the ocean, his human form taken from him and in return he became the creature of the deep, forever to live out his days in the same darkness and destruction he created.

The ocean changed, it was no longer still and began to become very unsettled. Kira began to hold onto her most precious possession, a necklace her mother gave her as a child and call out to Leora. It kept her thoughts from getting away from her, she refused to let her mind be tested by fear. Whatever was down there was going to have to ready itself for a fight because a fight she would give. There she began to see the splitting of the waves, a large shiny black tail began to emerge from the sea. It had one hook on it, poisonous and very sharp from the many blades seen every so slightly against the moonlight. It was Kaiju the cursed man. He had watched her ship be taken over by pirates and followed her until she was in his waters again. He rested his head just above the water so she could only his see his sparkling, glass like eyes looking back at her. He chuckled and laughed causing the water to shake. He began to speak to her, “Hello tiny girl, what a predicament you found yourself in, along way from home and in my water.” Kira, bracing herself to the frigate responded, “Who are you? A water snake come to steal my boat?” She said mockingly. This angered Kaiju that he would be referred to a common snake. Like a strike of lighting his large claw emrged from the deep grabbing the young woman, he pulled her under so quickly Kira had no time to take a final breath. In this split second of hopelessness, Kira screamed out to Ahone the Great Being before taking her final breath. There was no fight, there could be no struggle. Kaiju was too strong for her, for anyone to resist his strength. He pulled Kira further down than anyone had ever gone before, there was no air, the was no life. There was only darkness and the stench of death that moved past Kaiju as he dove deeper into the depths of the sea.

It got darker and colder the deeper Kaiju went. He was stopping for nothing and kept pulling Kira further. Kira cried inside, thoughts playing through her mind like the films her father used to take her to. They were a little broken and exposed but they meant something to her. Kaiju looked back at Kira and notice something strange, she was still conscious. How could this be as no human could survive being taken so far down into the sea. This made Kaiju mad, so mad he stopped swimming and turned his monstrous head towards the small girl and began to speak. Kira, uncertain of all things decide now would be the best time to hold onto his claw just in case. “Tiny human, how do you still breathe when no other predecessors have? How do you alone survive such terrible feats and still maintain your soul?” Kira did not know how to respond to the beast, so she thought carefully and said, “When I was a child my mother gave me her necklace, she said it magic and that it would always keep me safe when her and papa no longer could.”

The mighty beast moved his head closer just with one of his eyes to peer at this magical necklace. Kira put her hands over her necklace and held it tight. “Move your hand!” Demanded Kaiju, “No! I know you! You will not take this from me!” This enraged Kaiju, he was so angry he began to change the colour of his scaly skin from black to glistening red. He stretched out his body and became very large, trying to intimidate he squeezed her just a little harder and began to speak again. “Listen to me small girl, I know everything that happens in the sea. All that is dark and evil that lies in wait her is because of me. I know your parents, I know they both were great ships captains.” Kiras heart began to sink, as he continued, “I know how they died and I know who is responsible for creating such a tragedy.” Kira became emotional but did her best to hide it, she clawed at the courage she had left and held her necklace tighter as Kaiju began to speak of things that she had told no one. “It was all me.”

Kira was broken but she shouted back at Kaiju, she would not gove him the response he tried to pry from her. “No! You’re a liar! You just say these things so you may hurt me but you can’t! I won’t ever give you the pleasure of feeding of my pain” Kaiju was taken aback and began to chuckle again, “you silly little girl, you will understand it was in my great power they were taken from you and now I will take your life!” With no escape, Kira squeezed her necklace and closed her eyes, Kaiju lifted his giant claw ready to strike the girl. Suddenly the water began to shake. Kaiju looking around was confused there was no else there in those depths, Kira just kept her eyes closed. If there was to be another terrible monster she would not want to see it. It was not another monster though, a light so bright began to consume the darkness and it pushed through down into the depths to find Kira. Feeling the warmth on her back, Kira turned to see the light, it was Leora! She had heard Kiras cry for help.

Leora was a great being, very powerful and very compassionate towards the humans who needed her. She wore armour that was made from precious metals of the heavens, it absorbs the darkness and turned it to light. Kira had never seen something shine so brightly before, Leora smiled at the girl and reached out her armour platted hand. Kira reached for it. Kaiju blinded by the great light had loosened his grip just enough for Kira to wriggle free from him and ascend to the surface with Leora. As they reached the surface of the sea, Leora sat with Kira for a little while. She had hoped to talk with her about her journey and where she hoped to go. Kira thought about this deeply and responded with a desire she had to find safety, a village where she would not be alone, a place where she was not seen as an orphan but as apart of their tribe. Leora smiled again at the small girl and told her she knew where she belonged. “Close your eyes” said Leora, “Hold on tight to my hands and don’t let go!” There was a great flash of light once again and when Kira opened her eyes she had awoken to find herself back in her trusty boat washed up on a shore.

She was exhausted and very dazed from all that had happened, Kira began to look for water. After walking through a small area of trees and shrubs she found a brook. It was a sight for sore eyes, Kira rushed over and began to wash her face and drink. In her euphoria for fresh, shallow water where no Kaiju could hide meant she didn’t take any notice of a strange old woman standing on the other side. This old woman had hair like silver and skin like leather, strong and smooth. She had markings on her body telling of stories from her people, The Sacred Trees. She called out to Kira, shocking her to look up to the voice. Kiras eyes widened, “Hello?” She said. The old woman began to cross the brook over to Kira. She reached the other side and came very close to Kira, standing in front of her, she took Kiras hand swiftly and she reached out to her Necklace. Kira quickly put her hand over it so the old woman couldn’t take it. The old woman just looked at Kira and then reached under her own dress collar. There it was, an identical necklace also made from timber and shell with one precious emerald adorning the centrepiece.

Kira couldn’t believe her eyes. The old woman told Kira to follow her back to her village. The whole way there all Kira could think about was everything that happened after her ship being plundered, everything else couldn’t have been real. Surely it was a dream or did she really have Leora the great light being on her side helping her, did this mean she really did have a “magical” necklace. Kira was more sceptical than confused, especially to stumble upon a place to now maybe call home. There were too many questions that needed answers. They both reached a small village in a clearing of trees. There was everything there the tribes people needed to survive and they all seemed so happy, they lacked nothing. A small boy ran up to Kira and the old woman, “ Wakan Tanka!” He cried with joy, “You’re back! You’re back!” And gave her a hug. “Wakan Tanka?” Kira thought to herself, she was a myth, a legend told only in stories of a brave warrior who saved her tribe from great perils. Wakan Tanka called the tribe and they all came with gladness in their hearts to see their beloved tribeswoman back from her journey.

She gathered them all around the fire to speak of what she learned from Ahone, the greatest being of all. He was the creator and brought all that was life into existence. Wakan Tanka began to speak, her tribe listening eagerly, Kira just sat quietly watching as they responded to Wakan Tanka. “I saw a great fire, it destroyed many lives and broke many spirits, it consumed a great ship. Then I saw the monster of the deep, the perverse Kaiju. He too had turned into fire. I kept waiting, the there was a great light. Ahone told me that we had a special child to take into our family, that they were born of fire and water, light and darkness. They have been chosen to be my predecessor, your next Wakan Tanka.” Wakan Tanka then looked at Kira, the whole tribe looked at Kira in amazement. Kira didn’t know how to respond. “Uh, I’m sorry, maybe there has been a misunderstanding, maybe there is someone else you’re expecting?” Wakan Tanka spoke softly, “Are you saying the great Ahone sent the wrong person on purpose? That you are not the one?” Nervously Kira answered, “Well I thought maybe it was all a dream, that maybe I hit my head and fell unconscious and miraculously washed up here.” The tribe looked to Wakan Tanka for guidance, the old woman looked at Kira and laughed a soulful laugh. She walked over to Kira and hugged her, “To the one who is given hope, let that hope be given to many.”

Kira squeezed Wakan Tanka tightly and began to cry, these were words her mother spoke to her before she left embarking on her last journey with her husband. In Kiras heart it felt like all the messed up puzzle pieces of her life came together and she could now see the full picture. Everything she had gone through, all that she had lost was not for nothing, it was turned into something more beautiful than she could have ever imagined. She had been reborn from the darkness and fire and her life now full in the light. As Kira looked at her new home, she thanked Leora for helping her, she no longer had to feel lost looking for her parents, she had a new home, one given to her Ahone, one that couldn’t be taken away as long as she lived. Kira looked at where she had been placed. This place was her sanctuary, she closed her eyes and felt safe for the first time doing so. The wind danced past her and she heard Leoras voice once again, “Only those who suffer greatly can know the importance of it.” Kira knew what this meant, all the suffering she had been through was not in vain, it was to build her and strengthen her so that she would seek what she lacked and not give up until she found it. She knew that pain was like birth, that she could come through stronger, fighting for her life. Kira breathed in and with a sigh of relief and hope she opened her eyes to see her new future that awaited.

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Brokenness in Love.

Relationships shouldn’t be this hard where they begin to take layers and layers out of you. It’s almost like these people are lines up ready to take their turn in removing a piece from you.

I wait and hope constantly for the love I deserve and I become greatly disappointed when I see others have it given to them so freely. I am left to starve. In love you should not crave love, you should be left satisfied and not asking yourself where you went wrong and why you need more.

To me love is a place where two enter and one leaves, they are united in love not one left for dead for the others gain. I don’t know where to find a love where I can just be free, where hoping, praying and wishing wouldn’t take up my mind and crying is no more. Where do you find a love that gives you satisfaction and not hopelessness and a broken heart with a bruised spirit.

I find myself lost in a sea of thought pondering why I am so lucky to be treated so frivolous and how I am so expendable, ready and breakable. Who made the rules that I was the one to be your emotional cushion, your teddy bear, your comforter and place of sanctuary and when I require sanctuary I am left out in the cold.

How does one respond with hatred to a plea of love, why does one break another so they can use the bones to build themselves up. How do you fight for someone when they fight to bring you to your knees and why does someone believe they are better than me.

Who decides whats fair and right and how we are perceived when I all I long for is security, protection and tenderness, fruit that isn’t rotten. How come you decide my fate in your hands and think the foul thoughts that you do. Why am I your emotional cushion and you my free fall. I am no longer your place of comfort, a treasure to be mistreated. I am not cheap and not expendable but I am rarer than them all.

You do decide my fate of heart and provide the security. The cages that build inside and walls that hammer down around bring me further away from any sanity but I look through these windows and what do I see. Happy couples laughing loving, families growing, flourishing, providing a life of only one could dream.

Do not drown me in your sorrow and brokenness and drag me through your muck. I have got feelings to you know or did you forget I was human when I sunk. So play me the song of you sadness and bring serenity to me but you cannot find peace, not with me because we are once and for all done.

So leave me be as you plan when things don’t go your way for I am but a bird and you a snake and there can be nothing to engage. Let me be, let me fly and find my own way now. Let love never be broken and tarnished as you have made it somehow. Promise me one thing tonight that you’ll forever leave me be, neglect as you have always done and for once I will be free.

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Flower Pots and Fertiliser

We should flourish where we plant ourselves to grow and if we’re not it can be a factor of two things.

The first is ourselves and the fear we hold onto. We are terrified as we stand on the cliffs edge watching as others run to jump then soar. We fail ourselves with our minds voice halting our progress, like a load of bread not fully risen, like a cactus who was planted in the rains. Our thoughts plague us and destroy us like locusts. We undermine our progress and second guess our own ability.

The second reason we do not grow is more devilish and is another who holds us back.

Like a venomous flower with pretty display they lure us in and play on our innocents. Promises a plenty with plenty of promise we convince ourselves this person will help us and love as much as we do. They are like a vine that tightens their grip around us, our own punishment would be more fair. They squeeze tighter and tighter until there is no more inside us. They take and do not give , they hinder and hold on tighter. You cannot wriggle and you cannot writhe but let go of all once hoped for.

We need permission from them to flourish and grow but all we need is permission from ourselves otherwise we will disintegrate.

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Disappointment Hits Hard

This feeling of disappointment hits me so hard, harder than your words. It’s strength comes from your actions. I wish I could make sense of why it seems this pattern is toxic but there is nothing I can do to make you care and understand.

For every word I spoke in hope it seems to have stoked a rage inside you that spits fire. I am like an unarmed civilian and you are a well equipped soldier with premeditated intentions using your words stored away for such a time as this. That you would never be reprimanded and never will you dare to listen or comprehend how it feels to be on the receiving end of your sword.

Every time you speak with a certain twist of the tongue I feel really feel it like a knife twisting in my heart. When you try to convince me with your words they are like acid rain falling drop by drop until I’m saturated in them, burning alive from your poison. You cannot and will not even by the death of you accept what you have done wrong, to take responsibility and own your mistakes is an out of reach experience for you.

To be so close to a ticking time bomb, to know at any given moment you will explode if you are bumped even slightly. You will begin to build up anger and in your fury you will explode in every direction you can. You will bring down everything around you destroying any chance of survival. You are unaffected by your actions and assure yourself you are not to be prompted by remorse or require any form of forgiveness, that you are in fact accurate and precise.

You are never wrong and your intentions are clear. Your vision is focused on one thing. That’s why avoid any mirror. To reflect would bring cause of correction and surrender of harsh ways, you will never let go but hold on ever tighter to the strength and security it gives you. You surround yourself in hatred and anger, you draw people in to spit them out.

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A Vow To Me

I have learned to love the company of self. Through thick and thin, sickness and health, for richer or poorer I am there for me. When all else fails, I will not fail me or let myself down. I am present, attentive and accounted for in this moment.

When no else shows up I show up for me, I remind myself that I am all I need. Inside to out and I am secure in knowing who I am and what I need and I will begin to love that about me.

No one can show me the love and commitment I need, no one but me. I will protect and defend my soul and mind from those who try to oppose me and try to turn me into an enemy. I will rise up against them who turn their back on me by no longer being present for them.

I will no longer wait in great hopefulness to see their true emotions shown or hear their voice when they ask me what I need. I will no longer be rattled or shaken by loneliness because how can I be lonely when I have ME.

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Blinded by the Darkness

I thought I saw you today. Standing at an intersection, you were waiting for the light to turn green. I believed this person looked so much like you and reminded me of the child you once were. You were so innocent and filled with your essence and life. Impatiently waiting. The lights changed, just like you and soon I was wrong. I know this from the second you rushed and pushed forward. This person was lost and not quite there. Maybe in a haze of life and hard times. Young man you had crossed over into the path of pain.

The green light was your signal to go, this sign was something you barely could wait for. Dressed in winter clothes on summer days, dressed in all black during the daylight. Eyes hidden behind shades that meant no one could see your eyes into your soul. You became the shell for your former self glory, now only to be swallowed in a void darker than what you wore. Every warning and true belief in you was tossed aside at the first glance of what you thought could make you happy. You were so blinded by it’s false presence and pretentious promise to make it better even for a while.

You were lost somewhere inside of this person who looked like you, yet you were no longer there. It was just a shell of who you once were appearing to be human but in fact it was spirit so far from it’s home it didn’t know which path to go. You crossed the road in more ways than one. You crossed over, you initiated the first step to loneliness and heartbreak. You created a life of habitual pain, not just for you but for those who loved you and now had to let you go. Blinded by your foolishness, you had to chase your own desires and lost everything that mattered to you along the way.

You were there some where inside or so I hoped. I hope you found what you were looking for when you crossed over the street and those around you. You abandoned them at the first glimmer of that green light with your sights set on one goal, yourself. Your escape that lasts only for a while, I hope it made your life a little more bearable but maybe it has made itself a seat in your mind. Only now you can function because of it giving you the freedom you seek from the cage you built with it.

You believe that without it there is nothing but black like the clothes you wear and it has made you blind. Now because of it you exist another day, all the while it takes your days and your life. Who are you now young man that you cease to exist. You are here but also there, dressed in black but for your own funeral.

Is this who you want to become, the young man who seals his coffin and lays down willing to grasp death? Is it really all worth while for you to lose your life to it so it may prosper from your suffering and feed from your pain? It places it’s fingers over your eyes and covers them like a blindfold on your vision for life. The truth is unbearable and what your lost is your lot and those who love you. Who will you become young man that you may fall asunder, lost and not prosper? You will become it’s next victim and it will not let you wander.

It is never too late young man for you to choose a path that leaves you fuller. A path that crosses over into life and not death. A path that doesn’t require payment for happiness and your loss for it’s gain. Maybe this time you will choose the path that crosses over into the calm and not the storm.

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If Tomorrow Comes On The High Seas

Who knows when the time will be til I can see the sunshine again. Caught in the raincloud and storms of lifeCovered by haze I begin to become accustomed to the beating waves and crashing seas

The salt that once stung my eyes stings no more, I begin to see with greater ease. I don’t worry anymore about where my destination may lie I only concentrate on how to survive long enough to get there

This a constant battle against forces I cannot control, I have no choice but to keep fighting. Here I am trying to navigate this vast expanse the only way I learnt how, on my own

So maybe next time when the sun starts to shine I will embrace it and feel its warmth press into my skin. I will feel the wholeness of its power and not concern myself with what tomorrow may or may not bring

I will embrace it, all of it. The chaos and fury, the peace and serenity. I will become the calm in the eye of lifes storm.

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Chocolate Mousse – Keto & Dairy Free

3 Ingredients

Keto friendly

Dairy free

Ingredients:

2 cans of full fat coconut cream – Pandaroo brand

Avalanche sugar free drinking chocolate powder

Raw earth stevia and monk fruit sweetener

Preparation:

Leave the two cans of coconut cream in the fridge overnight, this will allow the cream and the liquid to seperate and the cream to form.

Method:

Open coconut cream cans and use a spoon to carefully scoop out the cream from the liquid.

Make sure no coconut water is scooped with the cream.

Add three teaspoons of sweetener to the cream and begin to whisk.

Add two tablespoon of chocolate powder to the cream and whisk it through.

Note:

Taste the mousse and see if you would prefer it sweeter or with a greater chocolate flavour. It really comes down to personal preference of flavours.

Not all coconut creams are equal with fat and may not be “creamy” enough. I found this to be the best along with a lower carb count.

Enjoy

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A Symbiotic Relationship with a Two-Faced Monster

There is an evil that lies beneath the surface, yet hides in plain sight. You can see it unless it wants you to. It will only show its true face when it decides it wants total control and domination over you when it decides it’s time for you to die. You won’t realise it at first and you won’t know what signs and clues to look for, yet they will all be there right in front of you. You will begin to second guess everything you do and it will ensure you please it. you will believe that everything you do isn’t enough and soon you will believe you’re not good enough.

It will sneak in slowly at first like poison but you will not feel its bite. It will seep into every last inch of you until it has completely taken over. It will infiltrate your mind, how you think and soon how you feel. It will no longer be an outward expression but total domination of your very soul. Soon it will crush you like a snake, with a weight you’ve never known. It will consume you and it will not protect you from the prey you’ve become. You will no longer move, you will no longer breath. Soon you will be nothing.

It is a parasite that seeks a host, a host with good intentions and a clear conscience. It will turn that around and soon you will begin to be drained of any life or emotion you may have once had. It becomes sinking sand, the more you struggle and fight the quicker you sink. It will devour you and it will enjoy it. You will no longer function as freely as you once did, it will take everything from you. Don’t pretend like you can’t see it because it will come for you.

You are there for it but it is not there for you. It may seem that it pays attention to you, it may want you, but it’s not actually YOU that it’s after. It only wants what is inside of you, to destroy and consume the real YOU. If you want to conquer this beast you must play its game, you must shut yourself down and look you away. You must play dead because what fun is there of the snake if the mouse isn’t alive. They live for the thrill of the hunt, to hunt you down and take the very essence of who you are away from you like they made you in the first place.

Remind yourself daily, you are not alive for them and they do belong in your life. If they know you are kind you will be seen as weak, you will let down your walls and let only pure evil in. They live to hurt you it gives them great joy to know you are weak and ruined. They now will be seen as greater than you, they will ensure others see your pain. They will mock you for your kindness and sacrifice, they will steal from you. Don’t feed into their words, and look them in eye. You will see all you need to behind the mask from which they try to hide.

So if you want to live and tell the tale of the two-faced monster, don’t engage them, don’t entice them and most certainly don’t let them in your life. They will come for you, unless you know how to catch them in their own lies, to cut the head from the snake and burn them, they will make sure you never win. No one will believe you when you’ve seen their true form, their real monstrosity. You will be hurt and angry, soon to be seen as a liar because only you will have know their true form to know the truth. So don’t take it personally, just walk away and ensure you are become dead to them because only then will you be truly free.

Image Copyright of Wallpapermaiden

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