Esoteric Realms

It would seem that I’m under a telescope, where they look you over with intention to find what is wrong with you. They need to search for you to find your faults. These faults are based on their own decided knowledge of what they deem to be right or wrong. The list is long, their hands are cold. You lay bare with no way of escaping unless you simply get up and leave but how can we when they tie us down if we try. We almost know instantly, there is no point in fighting back now or maybe there is? Do we dare bare scars that reminds of our fight?

Yet, it’s never that simple, it seems this personal opinion should matter or that it does matter. I wish I could leave them with words that resonate how wrong they are and how they make me feel but who cares about feels right when your delivered apparent facts and logic. I am always wrong, no matter what you do. I never succeed in their role for you and no matter what I give it’s never good enough. What you leave is a shell of a person. Everything good has been stolen by you.

You present yourself to be gentle and careful but through the deception, you have stolen all that was good. Careful hands are careful lies. Premeditated and executed to perfection. So here I am somewhere in between life and nothingness. You stole me. The very essence of who I am has been removed for your temporary gain. You deceived me with your words dressed as tenderness and truth.

I knew it was too good to be true, yet I lay awake as you worked me over and took me down. You will never be caught because of how you lie. The clever words, ready to deceive at any given moment so your victims may have no voice, no power against you. Who could believe a hollow human and who wouldn’t believe a whole one? 

So maybe next time the Doctor calls you to their office and tries to convince you that you’re sick. Tell them you had your health before them, that their opinion stinks.

I struggle with this ability, super power if you will. Of speaking words so clearly yet no one will ever hear. Now I don’t how this happens and if it will ever end but it seems to me that no matter what I say, I am never heard in the end. Yet somehow, sometimes when I speak from the pure fire in my soul, the words ring so loudly they begin to hear my cry. They take up their weapons ready, aim, shoot, firing at me the one who listened, only to be shot down, I’m not a liar. I speak the truth always, even in my end.

So if you’re like me and listen, listen to me know, the one who shares the truth. I’m not here to bring you down. I promise I’m here to bring some light, even a little into the world. This void of darkness, a place where our hearts are no longer heard or safe. An extinct race of human who will truly care till our end of this story. The story told by you and I needs to be heard and not dissolved. We can’t be silent anymore, we need to rage like a lions roar. Let our words run down their spines like wolves on a mountain and when the day is due we must attack and finish what was started. 

The emptiness I feel, I wish I could explain. It’s like a massive hole that is never filled, a black hole or void. It hurts to know that it doesn’t matter how kind or loving I am, I will not be loved back. I will have no family, no friends, just groups of people who come and go as they please. I used to care and now I have given up the fight. I have no fight left in me because I got told I didn’t need to fight anymore. I’ve also been told it’s not worth having if it’s not worth fighting for. So who do I believe?

My first mistake was believing anything they had to say about my life. They don’t focus on their own and do as they please. I wish I had never listened or felt pressured to do as they asked of me because now I’m here. Alone. Hating the lack of life, that feeling of I’m not really living.

This doesn’t affect them though and that’s the point. Their careless words cause emptiness in others lives, lives they’ve never or will ever live. Consequences they don’t have to live with and face every day and no production or proactivity that usually would occur if I just trusted me and had people who encouraged what wanted. Not the constant uphill battle of people who want to control my actions and choices. 

Long story short, I hate them, I hate this, I hate this “life” especially the lack thereof. Don’t do this, promise me you won’t. Trusting others and letting them force their opinions on you. I praise your strength if you don’t but if you became like me, beaten down. Stand up again before it’s too late. Don’t let them steal your only life, don’t let them leave you empty.

It hurts from the beginning when I gave you a chance you didn’t deserve. You took that chance and ruined me. Everything I did was for you, to benefit you, to grow you because I loved you, cared for you and saw your worth.

You didn’t see my worth, not once or at least you made sure that I didn’t believe I could ever be of any worth to anyone. Your lack of care and motivation in our relationship spoke volumes. You believed you could do as you pleased and I had to do as you say or you didn’t care what I did as long as I was there whenever you felt you needed someone to use.

It’s hard to end things but even harder when you ended things between us because you showed me it didn’t matter how much I gave it would never be good enough. I see you now and you’ve moved on with your life. Happier than ever, happier than you ever were with me. That you can come in to my life and leave as you please. The emotional roller coaster of you lies and cheating then begging for me to stay. I have nothing left to give to you, I have nothing left to say. Except, it hurts.

It hurts a lot, it hurt me so much that I don’t hurt anymore. That I’ve gone from raw pain to nothing. Person after person, chance after chance. I have nothing left for you or anyone, yet you have more to take and something left to give. You give so freely to only those you choose, everyone, anyone but me. So I don’t understand why I was never good enough for you to show love and affection to but I do know that I never want to feel like this ever again. I also want you to know how you made me believe a lie about myself, that I am the one who is unlovable when that is a lie within itself.

You drag me into your mess and see I have love to give, you stole any sense I had left and now I’m left empty. You on the other have lost nothing, you’ve only ever gained and preserved your emotions. Now I’m finished with living like this, I hope I can heal and love.

Oh to be loved and to never hurt again.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton