Pictures speaks a thousand words or something like that. This speaks straight to my heart. I love Love, what can I say. The heart wants what the heart wants and if you’re like me it’s more than chocolate and flowers, it’s real. It’s a reality and emotion and force that leads your life that you can’t shake out from. Everything you do is to love. Except when we don’t get what we need in return we get frustrated, we know we are being shown what we give. It’s a pickle sometimes to navigate but we learn, eventually that not everyone has to receive what we have to give, not everyone is willing or actually deserving.
Two energies, two full life forces that can form one, the difference in them is a completion of the other. We’re different but we are the pieces that fit perfectly together, one is strong and the other nurtures, one might be clever and the other silly and one might be broken and the other a healer, to be able then to turn the tables and reverse the roles. You always complement each other which can annoy you but instead of fighting their yin to your yang, embrace their madness, sadness, brokenness and help lead and guide them on their journey to growth. This is your relationship, you don’t get the fruit for nothing, you both have to put the time and care into it and into each other to watch it grow, flourish, heal and then you can enjoy the fruits of both your labour.
You can’t deny that love really does make the world go around, but not the tv love, I’m describing only the real sacrificial, unconditional, will break you and cleanse you, love. The only love that matters. The one that brings you closer and connected to each other, you really do form one person. You are made whole in real love. You know yourself best when it comes to your experiences and expectations but when you find it, you know.
I hope you all know yourself enough to know you are worth more than “less than acceptable” behaviour and effort. Why settle for wet rag when you can ignite yourself with your twin flame. I have a tendency you could say, towards the importance of the prioritisation of people in your life over other materialistic things. More importantly the ones you love over other irrelevant people and things. Your car is not important, your job is not worth the one person who actually will be there if you’re dying, it’s only the ones who love us who will truly hold us as we travel through life’s journey.
If you don’t have each other, what do you really have?
I had a lot on my heart and mind today (as usual) so I took time this morning to be very intentional on answers, healing and shed light by digging deeper into the why of it.
I have begun to feel like I am always being left empty handed in relationships, it’s a one way street and they are like a blackhole of emotion and resources. I keep pouring in and it all keeps disappearing and there is never any return. I really had to dig deeper to understand that I was not only giving to a endless void but also that wasn’t the part that hurt, it was the fact the I would give unconditionally and never once did I receive that in return.
As I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, I saw three things I want to share with you and I hope this helps others who may be struggling with this too. The first was a large great white shark, it was just in front of me, we were face to face. Sharks represent two things, your desire for productivity, the ability to keep moving and stay focused, but it also represents how we can be in relationship with someone or be the person who is greedy and scrupulous. For me this just made sense. I had faced many sharks in my life so far but this one was different because I heard a voice say become the shark. For the first time I felt I could take the power back after identifying the root issue in my relationships and how I thrive with productivity and a constant movement forward in my life. I thrive for progress.
The second image was an Anaconda, it was wrapped around a large tree trunk and was calm. Snakes in general represent a transformation, a shedding of skin. You are the centre of the changes but there is nothing to fear. The Anaconda specifically comes as a reminder that we cannot control everything, to let go of the outcome and allow things to unfold. For me this is was always are hard thing to do, but this has been a recurring message over the last few days. It’s time for me to stop being so overactive in my energy and allow change to occur and most importantly, not fear it.
The third was the colours I saw during this time was the correlation to how these issues were affecting me emotionally and physically. They were white and violet which are related to source energy flowing to intuition and purple which relates to our third eye which helps us see all perspectives and helps with intuition work. As someone whose strength is in intuition and knowing, this was a great sign as seeing colour during meditation is a sign of it healing and unblocking.
For many this means nothing, for me this means everything. I have a message, to understand the sharks in my life, to breakdown the root of an issue and know I can now transform the issue into a solution, I can embody the shark by keeping my progress continual. I know when I focus on an issue I begin to clear out any blockages by meditation and digging deeper. These three proactive ways increase our ability to change. We can change our circumstances, ourselves and heal all in one when we just take the time to sit, be still and allow ourselves to work through it and see it clearly.
Sometimes we avoid this so we don’t have to acknowledge or accept the pain we have or have inflicted in ourselves as well as needing to change. I think more than anything the fear of it holds us back and doing so holds us back in every way mentally , emotionally, physically and spiritually. So I encourage you, even if you don’t have any issues surrounding your thoughts and emotions at this time, still take the time out to just breathe, relax and unwind. You don’t need to receive anything, you can just let go and allow your body to recharge itself, which is more important than your phone!
Many of us tend to zone out after days of work and studies, terrible routines and lack of self-care we turn to the ability to zone out to be our saving grace. When we zone out we hope to press the reset button but all we do is check out for a moment to return to the ever ensuing chaos around us wearing us down.
I am learning to zen out, I really feel it once I’ve done it properly. I can’t rush it or force it to happen to be achieved quickly. It’s a personal process and a step we can take every day. For me, I tend to self future journal, I really allow things inside me to speak and I listen instead of the other way around. I begin to reflect a lot deeper and allow this time to be calm and quiet with music or just the sounds of life outside my window which usually fades the deeper I go. I can do this anywhere but choose to make my home my sanctuary of peace and blissful zen. I always feel like I have actually achieved a state of rest and refresh.
I compare my experience and transition from trying to just zone out to actual zen out and the experience is one you must have for yourself. Only you can take yourself to the next level and silence the noise in your life, calm and refocus the doubts and put a pin in the stresses of daily expectations.
I encourage you to give this a try and see the difference. You will not only feel relaxed but you will begin to see the changes in you and your life. You’ll see first hand how a minute of intentional meditation can change your day and if you do this every day, you’ll see your life take a new higher path, you’ll begin ascension into a fresh journey. We all have the power inside ourselves and mind, we just need to learn how to begin the process of change. We have nothing to lose and all to gain.
I remember when I was little and anticipation for my birthday or Christmas struck. I could feel it so vividly, it would overcome me with electric vibration. I wouldn’t be able to sleep the night before because I knew just what the next day would bring, only great things. I felt this last night. I couldn’t understand why and then I woke with the same excitement and anticipation. I realised, it was my son’s birthday and this was his energy. The more I meditate and connect to who I am the more I learn about how deeply I am really connected to those around me, I can feel their energy. It brought a humbling reminder to me that we get so lost in our own adult lives that any sort of joy or excitement gets swallowed whole by work, family, friends. It’s like we can’t even enjoy those things anymore, they’re either routine or a struggle to really relax into.
It’s harder when you have children because you are unable to live your life as you once pleased. You must readjust and most of the time my life is now spent revolving around others, their needs and time frames and not my own. I don’t get to make time for me to indulge a catch up with a friend, no plans are set to look forward to, no break awaits and no sicks days exist. I am completely absorbed in my daily struggle to survive. This experience has taught me an important reminder as not only how important it is to not forget to take an intentional time to enjoy life but why it is important. We forget who we are and why we exist. We don’t enjoy any part of it and what existence would be worthwhile if all we do is sacrifice and suffer. Now a lot of other people are able to receive the helping hand they need and take some much need me-time and couple-time but we don’t and thankfully we try to work in our early morning quiet times and evening rest times once the children are asleep.
It was sad to think that all this time I had forgotten the excitement that should be felt in our lives, that we are worth celebrating and life is worth celebrating and we should feel that so deeply, but we don’t. We are swallowed by work deadlines, stresses and trying relationships. The trifecta that destroys us because while we are trying to feel something we’re filling the hollow in ourselves with things that invoke no sense of activation to us. We’re still remaining empty and lifeless. I really hope you get a chance to remember and hold on to that joy and excitement you once had, that you never let it go. We should always feel like so vividly and project our emotions so clearly that we can use it as a guide. Our emotions are our instincts when we are happy we are in a positive place if we’re sad we’re in a negative one, but we seem to ignore it and keep going when we should just let it be.
I really hope this encourages you to take some time and remember how it feels to experience life through the eyes of your inner child and maybe your life will begin to blossom once again. I am really thankful for my beautiful children and the inner child reminding me to stop and feel, to really begin to understand others and myself through emotions. Emotions are a powerful guide that we can trust if we really listen to what they are telling us.
There are so many takers of our energy and emotions. It can be work, spouse, children, friendships or family. It’s not necessarily a bad thing unless they are just thieves of this. I find every day I am run down and feeling low in energy and running empty on emotions. I have so many factors in my life that contribute to this but to summarise, I have two young children, a husband, a household and every responsibility that comes with it. To add to this mix we are moving, have an operation and are planning to travel to see family. You’d be right in thinking I’m going to handle this all.
I’ve learnt how important it is to just stop and try and fill myself up. I struggle with this pattern of behaviour where I push myself to make everyday work. My days consist of mostly the same activities and usually, when I can’t add any more in I get a call from someone who needs or wants something and I push myself to do this for them with my two young children in tow. I began to realise I was giving a lot more than I was receiving and that this exchange was a one-way street.
I have begun to tune into how I am feeling emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually and saw how I didn’t make any time for myself. No one was coming to my aid so I could get the much-needed help I needed. I was being used time and time again under the premise and belief that I am so happy to help others and surely they’d be happy to help me. Boy, was I wrong? It was like pulling teeth from a Tiger, not convenient for them, it didn’t suit them, the reasons and excuses were endless.
I had to come to the realisation and acceptance that I just could not push myself anymore for anyone or anything, especially when they would not come to my aid when I was left so empty, run-down and ill. I, unfortunately, had no one to turn to, so I had to turn to myself once again for the help I so desperately needed. I would have to put these boundaries in and stick with them. Soon guilt was to follow, but I was able to wake up to the blatant fact that I am not anyone’s fairy godmother, I don’t have the magic to make things happen, and it’s not my job to keep others so well-preserved while empty every resource I have just to get them by.
It’s hard to take time out for yourself when you have so much on your shoulders, but I’ve learnt to put things into a routine and time frame, that I can do what’s necessary for the morning and after that, I will make time for meditation and recovery. I will make time to eat, relax and just be with my children. I encourage the older one to play while the other child has asleep, and I leave any other jobs for later instead of stressing about doing them immediately. The truth is, these things will always be there, and they never end. What does end is my ability to keep going and giving, and that’s now my responsibility to take care of because no one else will help me take the necessary time away that I need to recuperate?
If you’re like me and seem to be this endless well of life to others around you, I implore you, please stop. Find another way. No one person is meant to be the only source of help to another because we run out too. We need to take time for ourselves to recover and rest because if we don’t we won’t be able to keep pouring out in a healthy loving way, but we become tired, worn out and run down, the quality lacking from our kindness. We need to be realistic about the goals and standards we set for ourselves and pride always come before the fall, so learn to be wise and take the time you need. No one else will do it for you.
We are not better for it, if you do it just to elevate yourself then your heart and actions are wrong too. Ask yourself, will I give from what I have, or will I give from an empty cup deceived by pride? Give from a cup that is good, that is loving. We all want to receive from someone who truly cares, not someone who is bitter but does it anyway because no one else will, or it’s the right thing to do.
I woke angry again today with everyone around me. I wish they would do something or contribute something to add to my life for once and not always me giving and giving and giving. If you’re like me, then we have a problem, and today I want to break down and get to the root of why always allow the wrong ones in every single time.
When I was a child I had no choice, but my parents did as to who I was introduced to, who was allowed to be around me and why they felt it was okay. As a child, I was put into every bad situation without my consent and had no one to protect me from the evils. No one would believe when I told them what had happened or what someone was really like. I was taught to be quiet and let it happen, no one will believe me, listen to me or make me a priority.
When I began to form relationships, they were with people I was forced to be with. I wasn’t the teacher’s favourite, so I was automatically the trouble child’s carer and now apparent friend. I was being taught it didn’t matter what I wanted or how to find and create friendships with people who were like me. When I did try it was still very restricted, people would always come to me because they knew I was nice enough to always say yes. I was never allowed to say no. I was taught to be subservient and follow instructions.
Finally, when I walked away from people and places I didn’t want to be with, I felt free, and it was like I was in alignment with myself and my path for the first time. It was very freeing. It was a gift to myself to say no more to these people and situations. This didn’t last very long. When it came to an opportunity for my first real intimate relationship as a teenager, that too was taken away from me because if I wasn’t doing exactly what my parent wanted, I would live in hell until I broke their will. Despite saying no, I was forced into a relationship that was suitable for others and not me. Thankfully it did end, but it destroyed a whole different part of me. I was taught by this person about betrayal, lies, cheating and weakness. I was being taught my needs, desire and direction are going to be destroyed by them and that my life is not my own.
When it came to finishing life in high school, which I don’t think I would’ve survived, with the school chaplain who just listened. They actually helped me find my confidence and strength again to succeed for my own gain and future, and once again I felt like I had control over the path and journey I knew I was on and what I wanted. This only ever lasted till I went home. I was being taught that those who are supposed to care won’t. I was then forced into another scenario where I had to be someone’s friend. I had to be okay with babysitting this person because no one else liked them or would tolerate them. They still make me feel queasy till today, and the only emotion evoked is hatred as I’ve processed the anger. They were pure evil. I was again taught that I would be out into situations I didn’t want but would be burned will in them by everyone in it and around it.
I was so desperate from being starved of true self that I was ready to accept any form of so-called affection or future. I would begin to allow anything in just so I could feel a little while, like I could hold onto something real, even if it wasn’t just for a minute. I ended in a place where being so abandoned I learnt to embrace the silence and soon became stronger, more conscious and woke to my true self. I realised why I am angry, it’s because I know my worth, what I’ve lost, what I’ve endured, at whose hands I’ve suffered, and now I am angry because I know what my worth is and what I give. I am angry because I shouldn’t be here, this isn’t my path or final destination where I sit on the side lines of life and everyone else keeps ascending while I watch because I’ve been pushed down to stay down. I’m angry because this is not my home, not my present or future, and not my place.
After being stolen from, I rebuilt myself every time to give the benefit of the doubt to the wrong one. I’m angry because I’d let the wrong one in. In saying this I fought hard until I had nothing left, and they pushed their way in, and yet I still blame myself. Years of conditioning they trained me it’s always my fault, and I’m always to blame, and with that I began to die inside slowly from all their toxic behaviour and words to me and about me. No one survives that, and I almost didn’t, but I tried one last time for me. So yes I am angry because I have this second chance and awakening and with that comes anger and frustration of being used shamelessly and no one is on the same level of reciprocation, love or worthy of any respect. It makes me angry these people are still latched on to me, taking day in and day out and getting away with it. They have everyone else so fooled but me, and it seems that I am still trapped in their cage.
How do I break out from here. Feed into myself, live myself, respect and honour myself. Not them. It will shrivel up and die with the lack of water of love and care only I give them. They will cease to exist because a parasite with no host is nothing. So without my generosity they will dissipate. I realise now how they had their hook in me, with a large chain ending in their anchor. Love is not anchored down by force, this is not stability or protection. They are not providing you with what you need. Stop trying to mask the truth and don’t settle for it.
The older I get, the more aware I am becoming and allowing myself to feel the emotion connected to the situation has only come from a deep frustration. I’ve stopped fearing the pain they bring and embraced it because if I didn’t, I couldn’t see it for what it really is. Bearer of Pain. I have had to put every thing into the reality that it is, and that’s why I am angry. That I gave up on myself and now here I am. They make me empty-handed, unsatisfied and disappointed with myself and the whole situation. I wish people were like me, to treat others right and just be honest, but that’s never going to happen, and I need to stop trying to make believe it will.
I can’t keep glossing over their sins and selfish behaviour because they leave me empty and weighed down. I don’t do this to myself, so why should I let anyone else trap me like this? I really don’t know how to escape this situation and that’s the hard part is that there is no escaping from people who are unstable, aggressive and narcissistic. Unless you can disappear to a safe distance and end things on your side. Until then, I will keep processing my anger and letting it be my reminder that I will never do something that doesn’t line up with my path every again!
I fully comprehend the difference now between those who hold you down and hold you back.
I hope you all take some time to hit the refresh button this lovely Sunday and just relax. I find it very hard to do this as there is always something to do, but I’ve had to start making the time.
How many times do we push ourselves to the brink of exhaustion, everything we do is under pressure and we rush and hurry. As a mother this is bound to happen, trying to get a toddler and baby ready then somehow myself. Everyone depends on me to do things for them and others call on me because I’m dependable and always happy to help but in amongst this I forget me. I forget how important I am and I forget how to relax and unwind, mostly because I feel like I can’t or shouldn’t or don’t have the option to. Sound familiar?
This is where I had to acknowledge my pattern of behaviour and how negatively it was affecting me. I had to learn to let go of the rush and time press and just let things sit for a minute because making time to do things is as almost as important as being able to relax and re-centre yourself. Leave all the weight at the door and enter your own sanctuary where you can find peace to carry throughout your day. I try to be very intentional with my mornings and start my day off with #futureselfjournaling and just let the dishes be, they’re always going to exist.
What seems to be lacking is my ability to unwind for a minute and finding my focus for the day. Without, I realised how unsettled I am.
I encourage you, just take a minute with a cup of something and sit outside, turn your room into a cove of peace or even in the shower and most importantly leave the phone behind. Just breathe, focus on something your day seems to revolve around and begin to speak life into it, see it in your mind how well will go and how successful it will be. If things go another way not planned to your expectations, learn to be thankful for it and learn to accept the things we have no control over, learn to see it as a necessary outcome as much as things must happen so they mustn’t. We seem to be angered at the thought that something we have revolved out thought and emotion around and invested doesn’t come to fruition, we built ourselves up for frustration instead of seeing with new eyes and allowing things to take us down a different path and to see it is good too.
Ready yourself for a day with a focus and hopefully, you’ll be able to feel the calm wash over you. You’ll find your centre and be ready to approach this day with new thoughts and fresh emotions. As a parent, I try to do this when both my children are happy and occupied or asleep. It doesn’t take long and just sets us all up for a great if not, wonderful day.
As a parent this is apart of my change into conscious parenting. It will make a difference as a worker, as a parent, child, every individual. This is NOT just sitting and doing nothing, you are purposefully breaking a habit and creating a new one where you a letting go of the negative thoughts and feelings and deciding to take on new positive ones instead. You are aligning yourself to a new way of living and being. You are choosing to be better, calming, more conscious of yourself and of others.
I hope you enjoy your day and try a new mindset, wear calm and feel the strength from your new set day.
I used to feel like my hands were always empty, I was always giving more than I was okay with and never getting anything in return. It was really hard for me to keep trying to meet these unrealistic expectations where I was a never-ending well of all they lacked, yet had no source to replace what was taken. There was no reciprocation either.
For the longest time, it seemed all I did was get everything precious to be taken away. Whether it was my time, finances or emotions it didn’t matter, I seemed to keep trying to keep those around me pleased and they would know my true intention and devotion. I was not wise enough to know then that these were people and things that did not deserve my resources.
After what felt like an escape from being drained constantly, I was angry and frustrated with how wrong these people were. How much they had taken from me and how much was wasted and appreciated. I was mad for a long time. Until recently, when I began to meditate. I began to let go of what I knew and felt was lacking and lost and started holding my hands out again to receive what was always rightfully mine.
You see, when you grow in up in an environment where you’re shown total disregard for your boundaries and self-respect, you learn bad habits. Naturally, this is one of them. You don’t learn to respect yourself and your gifts and future. Everything is based on a short term goal achievement because you are constantly in arrears and need a new fix very quickly to your losses. You are not taught how to love and respect yourself, in turn, you don’t know how to be loved and if you don’t know what it means to receive real love, you give. You give all you’ve got to all the wrong people, places and things. It took me a long time to know I had all I needed in me, that we all come equipped but unfortunately we don’t all receive the true love which is unconditional and no matter what you do you still have full hands, you did lose anything along the way, you may have gained a lesson. I wish I could turn back time but we all know time travel is off the table, so instead, reflection and meditation is on the table and these cards are not wrongly dealt.
In amongst this anger and loss, I used to project this behaviour onto God. I would be so lost with this confusion of why He would ever allow me to always end up empty-handed. I learned that this was an unhealthy projection and after learning to calm myself and focus on the truth I opened myself to realise that in fact, I was blaming God for what others had done. He did not play the puppet master and his agenda was not for me to suffer and constantly wind up empty-handed. This all sprouted from my youth and upbringing that I was expected to suffer loss and was constantly having this reinforcement of this deserved punishment. Again, this was not Gods doing but everyone else’s. They are responsible for the years of pain and constant agony of feeling hollow and unfulfilled.
The missed opportunities and the loss of courage to pursue who I was made to be, wildly free. So I encourage you, if this sounds like you that you have this horrid feeling of constant emptiness and sadness from it, stand back, meditate and focus on the truth. Who is hurting you, who is loving you and know you deserve the absolute best. If there are people out there who treat us like rubbish and we still agonise to show them graciousness, then there are other people like us, who will love and value us as we deserve, as we are. Then fear no more.
Every day I begin to think what am I going to meditate on today? Today was about my own children and what future and life I want them to have and how these hopes came from a place of love and not control. As a parent, you can feel many things but from our own experiences mine was fear. Fear of hurting them more than being able to love them and let them grow and flourish. That I would be responsible for the pain I carry and placing that into them. I don’t ever want my children to go through what I went through but how do we escape the ever seeming vicious cycle?
Take responsibility for your own actions. When you live your most authentic life and experience the truest you, you don’t need to hash together a makeshift life. It will come together. Your positive vibrations begin to beat stronger and stronger and like two magnets, your strength, courage and self-love pull you to where you need to be. Don’t be afraid of yourself, let your authentic self raise its flag and fly it high and with that same confidence bring to life all that you are. So, that when you have the ability to pour into someone else and respond to them in mindfulness and love, you will be able to.
This is a journey of undoing a lot of pain but also this journey began because I knew I never wanted anyone else to feel this or live this as a daily and constant reminder of how bad things have been. Detox of the old life, shed their weight off you. Take the first steps to independence so you to, do not hurt others the way you have been hurt. You get to heal and survive and teach others how to be better and do better. You get to be free for the first time in your life and you get to watch others grow from the love you nurture them with and survive with the strength you instilled in them.
I hope you take a calming sense of peace with you today and know you are putting out power and love instead of hate and pain. The children are our future.
Today I was intentional with what I needed to meditate on, what was the one thing I was going to encourage myself with. As I closed my eyes, a clear voice in me said: “Become the wave.” There formed a picture in my mind of me standing in front of a giant wave. The wave had always represented something I was trying to resist, something I was fearful of because of how great it was and soon the picture changed from me face the wave to me turning my back to it and becoming embraced by it. It was a powerful image. I was no longer in fear of something so powerful but I was embracing myself, I was learning to stop trying to fight myself and resist my own greatness but instead, let it wash over me and embrace it.
Sometimes in quiet and stillness the truth is revealed and other times it’s just waiting for us to be open enough to listen and let it speak. I have resisted myself for a long time, another bad habit formed over years and years of being forcefully crushed in submission and broken into their order and that I might fit into someone else’s will. Yet here I am, as empowered as ever again by me. That the inner me knew it needed to never give up on the outer me. That two halves become a whole once again. Many times I got told to be quiet, many times I was scolded for telling the truth, many times the truth was pushed to be forgotten and every time I was made to feel wrong in every sense. That everything I was, was broken down, crushed and laid to waste by those who didn’t approve of my ability to keep being my authentic self. It didn’t sit well with them that I could face adversity as I did and still keep going, especially when they were the ones to cause me the greatest harm.
So you see, if you have those around you and it’s a constant fear to face giants, take a moment to seek the truth and it shall find you. It will tell you that, you, are in fact the giant, the victor, the glory holder and you are to not be intimidated or made fearful of anyone or anything.
Instead of feeling like you’re facing a giant, embrace the fact you are the giant. Change your mind, your perspective and understanding. You no longer face adversity but embrace it.
Esoteric Realms 