I woke angry again today with everyone around me. I wish they would do something or contribute something to add to my life for once and not always me giving and giving and giving. If you’re like me, then we have a problem, and today I want to break down and get to the root of why always allow the wrong ones in every single time.
When I was a child I had no choice, but my parents did as to who I was introduced to, who was allowed to be around me and why they felt it was okay. As a child, I was put into every bad situation without my consent and had no one to protect me from the evils. No one would believe when I told them what had happened or what someone was really like. I was taught to be quiet and let it happen, no one will believe me, listen to me or make me a priority.
When I began to form relationships, they were with people I was forced to be with. I wasn’t the teacher’s favourite, so I was automatically the trouble child’s carer and now apparent friend. I was being taught it didn’t matter what I wanted or how to find and create friendships with people who were like me. When I did try it was still very restricted, people would always come to me because they knew I was nice enough to always say yes. I was never allowed to say no. I was taught to be subservient and follow instructions.
Finally, when I walked away from people and places I didn’t want to be with, I felt free, and it was like I was in alignment with myself and my path for the first time. It was very freeing. It was a gift to myself to say no more to these people and situations. This didn’t last very long. When it came to an opportunity for my first real intimate relationship as a teenager, that too was taken away from me because if I wasn’t doing exactly what my parent wanted, I would live in hell until I broke their will. Despite saying no, I was forced into a relationship that was suitable for others and not me. Thankfully it did end, but it destroyed a whole different part of me. I was taught by this person about betrayal, lies, cheating and weakness. I was being taught my needs, desire and direction are going to be destroyed by them and that my life is not my own.
When it came to finishing life in high school, which I don’t think I would’ve survived, with the school chaplain who just listened. They actually helped me find my confidence and strength again to succeed for my own gain and future, and once again I felt like I had control over the path and journey I knew I was on and what I wanted. This only ever lasted till I went home. I was being taught that those who are supposed to care won’t. I was then forced into another scenario where I had to be someone’s friend. I had to be okay with babysitting this person because no one else liked them or would tolerate them. They still make me feel queasy till today, and the only emotion evoked is hatred as I’ve processed the anger. They were pure evil. I was again taught that I would be out into situations I didn’t want but would be burned will in them by everyone in it and around it.
I was so desperate from being starved of true self that I was ready to accept any form of so-called affection or future. I would begin to allow anything in just so I could feel a little while, like I could hold onto something real, even if it wasn’t just for a minute. I ended in a place where being so abandoned I learnt to embrace the silence and soon became stronger, more conscious and woke to my true self. I realised why I am angry, it’s because I know my worth, what I’ve lost, what I’ve endured, at whose hands I’ve suffered, and now I am angry because I know what my worth is and what I give. I am angry because I shouldn’t be here, this isn’t my path or final destination where I sit on the side lines of life and everyone else keeps ascending while I watch because I’ve been pushed down to stay down. I’m angry because this is not my home, not my present or future, and not my place.
After being stolen from, I rebuilt myself every time to give the benefit of the doubt to the wrong one. I’m angry because I’d let the wrong one in. In saying this I fought hard until I had nothing left, and they pushed their way in, and yet I still blame myself. Years of conditioning they trained me it’s always my fault, and I’m always to blame, and with that I began to die inside slowly from all their toxic behaviour and words to me and about me. No one survives that, and I almost didn’t, but I tried one last time for me. So yes I am angry because I have this second chance and awakening and with that comes anger and frustration of being used shamelessly and no one is on the same level of reciprocation, love or worthy of any respect. It makes me angry these people are still latched on to me, taking day in and day out and getting away with it. They have everyone else so fooled but me, and it seems that I am still trapped in their cage.
How do I break out from here. Feed into myself, live myself, respect and honour myself. Not them. It will shrivel up and die with the lack of water of love and care only I give them. They will cease to exist because a parasite with no host is nothing. So without my generosity they will dissipate. I realise now how they had their hook in me, with a large chain ending in their anchor. Love is not anchored down by force, this is not stability or protection. They are not providing you with what you need. Stop trying to mask the truth and don’t settle for it.
The older I get, the more aware I am becoming and allowing myself to feel the emotion connected to the situation has only come from a deep frustration. I’ve stopped fearing the pain they bring and embraced it because if I didn’t, I couldn’t see it for what it really is. Bearer of Pain. I have had to put every thing into the reality that it is, and that’s why I am angry. That I gave up on myself and now here I am. They make me empty-handed, unsatisfied and disappointed with myself and the whole situation. I wish people were like me, to treat others right and just be honest, but that’s never going to happen, and I need to stop trying to make believe it will.
I can’t keep glossing over their sins and selfish behaviour because they leave me empty and weighed down. I don’t do this to myself, so why should I let anyone else trap me like this? I really don’t know how to escape this situation and that’s the hard part is that there is no escaping from people who are unstable, aggressive and narcissistic. Unless you can disappear to a safe distance and end things on your side. Until then, I will keep processing my anger and letting it be my reminder that I will never do something that doesn’t line up with my path every again!
I fully comprehend the difference now between those who hold you down and hold you back.
Esoteric Realms 