I used to feel like my hands were always empty, I was always giving more than I was okay with and never getting anything in return. It was really hard for me to keep trying to meet these unrealistic expectations where I was a never-ending well of all they lacked, yet had no source to replace what was taken. There was no reciprocation either.
For the longest time, it seemed all I did was get everything precious to be taken away. Whether it was my time, finances or emotions it didn’t matter, I seemed to keep trying to keep those around me pleased and they would know my true intention and devotion. I was not wise enough to know then that these were people and things that did not deserve my resources.
After what felt like an escape from being drained constantly, I was angry and frustrated with how wrong these people were. How much they had taken from me and how much was wasted and appreciated. I was mad for a long time. Until recently, when I began to meditate. I began to let go of what I knew and felt was lacking and lost and started holding my hands out again to receive what was always rightfully mine.
You see, when you grow in up in an environment where you’re shown total disregard for your boundaries and self-respect, you learn bad habits. Naturally, this is one of them. You don’t learn to respect yourself and your gifts and future. Everything is based on a short term goal achievement because you are constantly in arrears and need a new fix very quickly to your losses. You are not taught how to love and respect yourself, in turn, you don’t know how to be loved and if you don’t know what it means to receive real love, you give. You give all you’ve got to all the wrong people, places and things.
It took me a long time to know I had all I needed in me, that we all come equipped but unfortunately we don’t all receive the true love which is unconditional and no matter what you do you still have full hands, you did lose anything along the way, you may have gained a lesson. I wish I could turn back time but we all know time travel is off the table, so instead, reflection and meditation is on the table and these cards are not wrongly dealt.
In amongst this anger and loss, I used to project this behaviour onto God. I would be so lost with this confusion of why He would ever allow me to always end up empty-handed. I learned that this was an unhealthy projection and after learning to calm myself and focus on the truth I opened myself to realise that in fact, I was blaming God for what others had done. He did not play the puppet master and his agenda was not for me to suffer and constantly wind up empty-handed. This all sprouted from my youth and upbringing that I was expected to suffer loss and was constantly having this reinforcement of this deserved punishment. Again, this was not Gods doing but everyone else’s. They are responsible for the years of pain and constant agony of feeling hollow and unfulfilled.
The missed opportunities and the loss of courage to pursue who I was made to be, wildly free. So I encourage you, if this sounds like you that you have this horrid feeling of constant emptiness and sadness from it, stand back, meditate and focus on the truth. Who is hurting you, who is loving you and know you deserve the absolute best. If there are people out there who treat us like rubbish and we still agonise to show them graciousness, then there are other people like us, who will love and value us as we deserve, as we are. Then fear no more.
Esoteric Realms 